Sunday, 7 October 2012

B minus and sinking - fast


A month ago, a friend commented on the fact that I had been neglectful of my blog with no recent posts.  They said that I should get only a B minus for effort.  Weeks later, my hope is that I’ve at the very least retained a C plus.  But I suspect that she would probably have downgraded me even further!  So here it is.  A post.

What’s been going on?  Lots, I guess, and nothing too.  I would reference you to previous blogs really where I have described a certain numbness with regards to my situation.  It is numbness really that I have been feeling - almost an indifference to my situation.

Following my last post, pretty much straight away, Mrs A brought up the conversation of Rhiannon.  As I’d suspected, she hadn’t bought the notion that I’d stopped my feminine ways.  This conversation nearly led to a break up, but a form of entente cordial broke out once she’d got it off her chest.  We went back into a holding pattern.  This doesn’t mean she is any happier with it, or more accepting.  In fact, to be honest, I’m not sure I really know what it means.  Or where we really are with it.  All I know for sure is that she wants me to stop, but is choosing not to bring the subject up.

But following that a combination of a slog of a month at work, not feeling particularly well and heightened guilty feelings meant that I have neither the time nor the inclination to girl it up.  My feelings have not changed, but I felt numb again.  Almost like I was watching myself from outside my body.  And I felt incredibly sad for a few weeks.

Over the last week or so, normality has resumed somewhat.  A couple of nights where Rhiannon was Rhiannon, including a 3 hour drive in girl mode have helped to reinstate normality.  The loss of a few pounds helped too.

I still feel a real discontent inside me - almost like an apathy that I can’t shake, a lack of energy and drive.  I’ve taken big action on the job front and to quote the Spice Girls, two is about to become one.  This will make things less complicated.  It is slightly risky and scary as I went for the less secure option.  Is that mad in the current climate?  But hard work and focus will, I’m sure, prevail.  But I suspect that professional upheaval is weighing on my mind somewhat as well.

All in all a turbulent time.  But I am still here.  Still enjoying reading other’s blogs.  Sorry for the absence - I should have taken you all on the above journey with me.

In keeping with C+, I will try to do better next time.

1 comment:

  1. B+ ~ outlook is for more short term turbulence ahead but lighthouse sighted and long term forecast is further improvement

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