Saturday, 7 May 2016

There and Back Again…

Sorry, another 2 month pause.  I really must stop doing that.  I have been so busy and together with having to create a lot of content for my blog at work (I know, such a blog harlot), I’ve been creatively exhausted.  Sounds a bit too grand really.  But I’ve been hanging around and reading lots of other blogs and commenting.  Lynn over at YATGB is just producing some amazing content at the moment which I’ve been really enjoying.

In general, I’ve continued to spend time presenting as me.  I’ve been out a few times - one included going for a meal in a local restaurant with a friend who is completely lovely and encouraging.  I wore one of my new tops from this blog - the lacy armed one.  Many days as Rhiannon at work, including one little afternoon soiree (can a soiree be any other time than the evening?) which was very pleasant.  Continuing my regime of waxing and attempting to start to diet and failing.  Generally happy in a devastated-and-traumatised-to-spend-a-moment-longer-presenting-male kind of way.

So not much new to tell really from the last couple of months, just two little stories to whet the appetite:

I said in my last blog that I was going to visit Dr Curtis to start the medical process towards transition.  It was an interesting meeting, I’m not sure I enjoyed it as I felt very nervous. Dates and the order of my journey so far just flew out of my head and I felt that I gave a very muddled account of myself.  In fact, when I got the report I didn’t open it for several weeks as I was sure it would be a label of ‘deluded bloke’ rather than ‘gender dysphoric transwoman’.  But eventually I womaned up and opened it.  The first thing that struck me: I’d forgotten that a copy was being sent to my GP!  Ohmygoodness.  Well, if they were ignoring it before, they can’t now.

But the verdict? Several things: first, it was a gender dysphoric diagnosis (phew), second, it was a view that I can’t move forward medically without major weight-loss (which I suspected), third, I need to stop my habit of using alcohol to cope with my feelings of gender dysphoria and fourth and final, I need to get some counselling.  Fortunately, the counselling can happen locally to where I live, so I’ve started that process off and hopefully the actual meetings will start soon.  The weight loss is more challenging.  Great gusto for several weeks and then falling off a cliff.  Very little exercise too.  I’m a very busy and active woman with lots going on in her life, I just prefer to do it all sat down.

I had a wobble.  Cheeky, that doesn’t relate to my weight loss problem.  But I did.  I was booked to go out for dinner with a friend to a small town in the South of England.  I’m getting used to going out in cities, but there is something slightly more exposing about going out in a small town. The thought of it made me feel very vulnerable and honestly, a little frightened.  I know that if I’m to go full time, these are challenges that I need to overcome.  Fortunately on that night, I ran a little late in getting to the town and so I didn’t have enough time to get changed etc.  I wonder whether I would have taken the plunge if I did have the time.  I’m going back there sometime, so I guess we’ll find out one day… anyway, my friend was brilliant, I had a great night and the food was fab.  So all good.

I do have some more ideas for some blogs, so I won't leave it long before the next one.  Thank you for reading :o) xxx


  1. The first rule of snack club is.... Yes, good luck with the weight issues. Why must ask the stuff that's on the bad list, taste so yummy? Bah, humbug. :-) Alcohol... Empty calories and empty promises. I know a few folk, trans and otherwise, who use it 'to take the edge off'. :-/

    Congrats on the diagnosis. A bit of validation must help you feel like you're on the right track.

    Sorry to hear about your wobble. Small towns aren't always the best, but it depends on the restaurant, as much as the locals. Life cities, some are charming and welcoming. Others, best avoided. How younger trans folk cope in those dead end places, I don't know.

    1. Oh, thanks for the kind words re YATGB. Much appreciated!

    2. I know, I need to stop the alcohol, especially as it caused me a medical issue a couple of years ago. I want to discuss other coping strategies with the counsellor so I'm sure it'll help. I've certainly pulled back some, but could do with going further.

      It was a real relief to get the diagnosis, I was so convinced that I'd get told I was a big fat rugby player sized bloke, but clearly he could see beyond that.

      I will conquer the small town. When I left my hotel in boy mode, I was sad, but as I walked out the door a gang of youths were on the other side of the street, so part of me was incredibly relieved.

  2. A weighty problem at the best of times and worse once the big bad "T" has been eliminated!

    There is no easy way but I lost twenty pounds in little over two months by cutting out simple carbs which is a bit of a challenge at first. The loaf of bread which I had just bought sat unopened once I decided to give it a go, after a week and a half it went green, envious of the beans and chick peas which had replaced it. Give it a couple of weeks and you start to feel more awake and energetic. After four months we still have not bought another loaf of bread, pasta and rice remain unopened in the store cupboard and temptation has long gone.

    The rewards of life on the other side are worth so much, all the hard work and worry is up to the point where you commit to the project...

    Good luck.

    1. Thank you Coline, good advise. We've been back on WeightWatchers combined with a little 5:2. When I'm in the swing of them, I'm a determined little minx and have lost 10 stone previously, but I'm not there yet. Too much stress in other areas of my life I suspect. But that reward of being able to move forward finally might just clinch it...

  3. Glad to hear about the diagnosis. Good luck with the weight loss's tough. I know. I lost about 10 pounds in the last 6 months...not easy...I hope I can keep it off. But the benefits are worth it!!



    Hang in there

    1. Thank you Mandy, so great to hear from you - really kind of you to offer your encouragement, it is really appreciated. You have put your finger on the problem - losing it is one thing, keeping if off is the real problem. When I got the end of losing a lot of weight last time, we'd just had our kitchen refurbished and I stupidly bought a wine fridge to go in it. Well, that sucker HAD to be filled with wine, surely? And so started a slippery slope... x

  4. Hi Rhi,

    I'm glad you got the correct diagnosis.

    I know about the drinking. It can dull the feelings.

    As for weight loss, it can be done. With me, I lost the equivalent of about 6 cat liter bags by just eating less and doing lots of walking and jogging. The high you can get from exercise is much better than an alcohol buzz. I had to really want to lose weight. No amount of prodding or encouragement from others would help. I just needed to make up my mind to do it....and I did.

    I featured this post on T-Central.


    1. Thank you so much Calie - and for featuring the blog, it is a real honour. You are absolutely right - I've lost a lot before, but I had to get in the right zone and I genuinely have so many really complicated things going on in my life at the moment, that I'm finding it really hard. I know counselling isn't a magic bullet, but I'm hoping it helps me to strip away some of the barriers. I think exercise is going to be key, I'm trying to swap gyms at the moment to make it easier for me. Overall I want to do what is sensible, slow loss to maximise being able to keep it off. I've just been yo-yo'ing for years. :( Oh well, I really do think I've been given a great reason this time, so I'm hoping it makes the difference. xxx

  5. It's funny how we doubt the obvious. Glad that the meeting went well and the letter was what you expected.

  6. Glad that you are getting serious about counseling. The other issues can all be aided thru that. Just make sure you have good rapport with them. If not, don't hesitate to look for another.

    You might speak to your doctor about dieting, too, if you haven't already. Or a dietician.

    I know you are going to conquer all this! You have come so far.