Monday, 30 March 2015

I wish was that brave...

So.  Tomorrow is the Transgender Day of Visibility and I've toyed long and hard as to whether to go through with becoming more visible.  I fear that it wouldn't end well, but I'm just sick of hiding.  So I prepared this for my male Facebook page:

And this to go alongside it: "This is probably not the wisest decision I have ever made, but I’m in my 40th year and the thought that another Day of Visibility goes by without me saying something just seems wrong.  Truth be told, however, I’m terrified of doing this.  Whilst some of you lovely people know already and have been fantastic, for some it will be surprise or a disappointment.  I guess I can’t control or help that.  For some, it will be a source of embarrassment and pain.  But I can’t stop being me.  You see, I’ve known about this my whole life.  Well, since I was 4.  I’ve been ashamed of who I am and hated and loathed myself for most of that time.  Much as I’ve fought this, I’ve never won.  So here you are.  Me.  Now you know and I hope with everything in me that you stay my friend, but if you don’t, I understand.  I want you to know that I don’t think any worse of you, whatever you think of me.  To the rest, thank you.  If you ever want to discuss it or to know more about who I am, you only have to ask.  Take care x"

If only I had the poor sense and judgement to push the button.  Just as I have on here...

10 comments:

  1. This is the first I've heard of the 'Transgender Day of Visibility'! I'll look it up, and find out what one is supposed to do.

    Lucy

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    1. I follow Stephanie Hirst on Facebook which is where I first saw it earlier. But there is a Wikipedia page too - so it must be bone fide :o)

      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/International_Transgender_Day_of_Visibility
      and I did my picture thing on the Liverpool Trans Page: http://www.liverpooltrans.co.uk.

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  2. "...for some it will be surprise or a disappointment."

    If they think that, they're the ones letting the side down, not you. You're just you. They're an arse. ;-)

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    1. Thank you Lynn. I do wish I was brave enough, but know that I need to tread more carefully. It was just nice to be able to say what I would have said. That said, I know that I will do it at some point, there is an inevitability to it.

      As it was for Facebook, I meant 'friends' in the loosest sense of the word! The current 196 would dwindle as I know for sure that there are a number of people who are not trans friendly in their number...

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  3. Just echoing Lynn here, I read the same line and wondered. Friends who are disappointed by you are no real friends, especially when you are more yourself than previously. If that makes sense.

    Equally, I rather suspect that real friends would stand by you if they knew, if you see what I mean. I suspect that I have maligned many of my good friends who would support my choices, even though I know that my wife still doesn't...

    In short, you are faaaaaaaar braver than I, or many, and you should never underestimate that!

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    1. I wish I that brave. I'm getting better, but I think I'll hold that message in my heart knowing that it might not be now, but it will be be used at some point in future.

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  4. Don't ever feel that you are letting the side down by not being more visible this year. It's not a contest. You be visible when you and you alone are good and ready and choose to be. Now's not the time for heroics since being trans is not a cause but a state of being and your feelings are as much part of you for you to listen to as your transness is. The only way to be brave successfully is to extend your comfort zone bit by tiny bit; the mad plunge into newness is for adrenaline junkies only. Thanks for highlighting this day

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    1. Thank you Sue. As always I appreciate your words. There is a temptation to go higher and further all the time and to push yourself accordingly. For me, there is also a desperate desire to shed the shackles of secrecy and hiding. I hate pretending that I'm something else all the time. But I do recognise that it suits others to maintain the status quo for now - as well as giving me some benefit too. I'm just itching to get on with my life as me really... Hope you have a great TDOV as I think the cool kids call it :o)

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  5. You have made a move.
    Now its for the others to make one as well.
    What ever happens you will learn alot from it.
    For you, that can only be for the best.
    Keep us posted.
    Thinking of you girl.
    Lots of hugs and kisses
    Abigale

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    1. Hi Abi, great to hear from you. I wasn't brave enough - I think I need to tread a little more carefully than that. Its not something to take lightly, but I think it is only a matter of time. Take care lovely x

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