Thursday, 24 April 2014

Struggling on...

I’m so sorry I’ve not blogged for so long.  Truth be told its been a very weird few months since Christmas.  Driven by (and I’m not trying to exaggerate) a life threatening experience and fuelled by what I last blogged about.

Over Christmas and New Year I was hospitalised with an illness with a 40% mortality rate.  Fortunately I got better, but after days of worried looking Doctors standing over you, you begin to be a little afraid.  After nearly 3 weeks, I escaped hospital and got home.  Much more quickly than they expected thank goodness.  Together with some necessary life style changes, I’m feeling better than ever now.

But what it did do was to change my attitude to life.  I’m sure I’m not alone, but it led me to think two things.  First that being Rhiannon alienates me (literally) from my family and the people I love should be the most important thing to me.  Second, that being Rhiannon complicates my life to such a degree that I needed to find a way of simplifying my existence.

Before Christmas you will recall that I had an upsetting experience of being sirred a lot in a restaurant when I was out as Rhiannon.  That, combined with the above meant I really got the bit between my teeth to not do this anymore.

So I stopped.  Completely.  Totally.  And without looking back.

Since January therefore, whenever I have thought about being Rhiannon, a numbness has kicked in so that I didn’t feel like talking or thinking about her.  I almost felt sick when I thought about any aspect of my gender confusion.  I haven’t dressed, blogged or done anything in general.  It still crossed my mind from time to time, but almost was other worldly with it being about someone else and not me.

A couple of months ago, I rejoined a tg website I was once a member of for a few days, but left very hastily. It didn’t feel right.

My friends have been impressed by my resolve.  Even I thought that after so long, I’d cracked it.  I no longer felt the urge to dress and the mental cruelty of feeling like you are really a girl had disappeared almost completely.

But as I’m writing, I bet you can guess what has happened.  Over the last few days, the feelings, the desperation to be a girl again have begun to awaken.  No action taken so far.  It is still very early, but it has.  I can feel the numbness fighting it back, but bit by bit it is asserting itself.

I think that the rational side that sees the complexity it brings and how unhappy it makes other people and is screaming “no”.  So I await what happens, unsure of how I feel about it.

9 comments:

  1. I would say your feelings are your true guide here, but that you can probably exercise a certain amount of free will.

    However, if you are really female deep down, then that femininity is never going to disappear. It's born into you, and it will nag at you, and make your life difficult. It can be ignored by choice, like you can try to ignore many unwelcome facts about yourself or others, but closing your mind to it won't eradicate it. It has to be lived with, somehow.

    I don't know which is the hardest thing to do - put oneself first, embark on the transition process, risk the dearest things in your life, and place yourself in financial and social jeopardy; or put yourself last, and try to hold on to what you most cherish, preserving the status quo, an illusion of normality, and shielding the young and innocent in your family from one of life's realities.

    Both courses require strength and determination. Both have consequences. Neither has an outcome that is free from some kind of anguish.

    For those in which femininity is fierce, there is really no choice. You have a medical emergency to deal with, and treatment must be swift and thorough. Milder cases can however consider transition by slow degrees, and possibly stabilise in a 'thus far, but no further for now' state for a long time. Many who blog or contribute to forums have stabilised like that, and merely indulge in little expressions of their inner self, such as discreetly wearing certain jewellery, or attending the regular monthly trans party or get-together with others in the same boat. It must help enormously to know of a community who all share the same problem. Such things can be built into one's life, and clearly they do work for a lot of people.

    Ultimately something more radical may have to be done. Only you will know whether and when you need to go further. It's most definitely not a race with other transitioners. You can and should set the pace yourself.

    Do email if you think it might help.

    Lucy

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  2. By the way, I am sorry to hear that you ended up in hospital with a life-threatening condition. I'm reading between the lines.

    Lucy

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  3. Jeepers!

    First of all, let me express my happiness that you are blogging again, in that it means that whatever hospitalised you failed to kill you and you were stronger than whatever it was, albeit with medical help! That you are here to have these tribulations is, hopefully, a Good Thing all round.

    Secondly, I am impressed by your resolve regarding the girly stuff. That's an impressive amount of willpower backed by an armoury of family connection that you have. Increasingly, I am realising that it is next to impossible to just ignore that side of myself, not without consequences, but I think I share your rational assessment of the situation (that is, personally, I can't know all that's going on at your end!) and therefore am very impressed that you've managed it this long.

    You are, of course, correct: family is important. And you love your family and they love you. And that's important, they love YOU. Not what you front and not what you try to hide and not what they want you to be. They love YOU. And they know you too. They might not always like, or agree with, how that pans out. But they love you. Did they visit when you were in hospital? Did they worry about you? That's because they love you. And you love them.

    Ultimately that's what counts. I don't know how that relates directly to any gender related issues you have except to say that no one can ever fully hide who they are. Not effectively. Not with those that spend a lot of time with them or who know them. In that sense they know the you that has gender issues and they love you anyway. Whatever your decision on how to proceed there will be pain. For everyone. Life does that. But it IS life. And it's your decision to make, in a good sense, just know that there is no right answer.

    You love your family and they love you right back. And that's all that matters, regardless of, despite and because of all that you are and all that you face.

    Wow, do I sound like a self-help book or what? Sorry, obviously touched a nerve there. Good to hear from you, even though the news isn't all good. I hope you continue to feel better and that things with your family are positive.

    In love, I hope,

    Joanna

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  4. I'm happy to hear that you are feeling better post-emergency, hon. But I'm so sorry to hear of your recent struggles.

    Lucy was so right; only you know what is right for you, and what the correct time frame is. I wish you nothing but the best, sweetie. Please let us know how you are feeling, OK?

    Hugs & love,
    Cass

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  5. What every one above said. What we suffer is also a medical problem, some can try and live with the symptoms and suffer the pains because they think it will be better for those around them, sometimes you just have to fix things fast because life is too unbearable otherwise and those who do love you will stick around. sadly the true love test is an all or nothing test, I waited too long only to find that there was more love on the other side than when I was holding back for their sakes!

    Being online saved me so I would advise staying around rather than cutting yourself off, it helps put things in to perspective.

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  6. Rhiannon once a tg always a tg. I think the best approach is to be yourself at all times and that can sometimes mean that the feelings wane but they never ever disappear. Don't beat yourself up over it and just follow your heart and take things as they come!

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  7. I feel totally unqualified to provide anything but all of my support for whatever you choose to do. I wish there was more I could do to help.

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  8. Very glad to hear you were in the 60% <3

    Where you are cannot be easy and if I can say this, I really feel for you, Rhi. Do what you think it right and stay safe.

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  9. I am so glad to hear that you have pulled through. That spell in hospital must have been very frightening and I not surprised to hear you reassessing life as a result. I'm wishing you may long and healthy years ahead.

    I think that being trans is more often than not like watching the tide. It ebbs and flows, takes the sea far away and then is lapping at our ankles again. I'm not sure I ever came across anyone who actually got rid of their transness for good for all the trying. Go gently with the flow and kindness to yourself and those who matter to you will likely come naturally.

    Sue x

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