Sunday, 30 June 2013

When friendship kicks the dust...


I have not blogged for ages and a certain lady has been giving me a hard time about it recently.  In fairness, she does write the most boring blogs in the world, so she can talk.  Now I’ve been shamed into it.  The dearth of blogs has largely because I have been really really down of late.  I know that, in reality, when you are upset is best time to blog given its cathartic benefits.  Opening a bottle of wine is faster.  So I’m sorry, but the quick fix has been winning out.   Feel free to disagree, but repeated blogs detailing how unhappy life can be are not fun or edifying.  So I let it be.

Today is a particularly sad one though, so as a window, is interesting.

I have known one of my friends for nearly 20 years.  We don’t see each other that often really any more - we don’t live near each other, lives got busy etc.  We are Facebook friends and at one stage we were really close.  I was his best man at his wedding.  I watch from afar, but I am really proud of him and of some of his achievements - he’s done some great things.  Today he receives the accolade from his latest accomplishment, but I’m not going to get the chance to share in it.  I don’t know why, but it is painful.

Recently, I told his wife and him about my separation from Mrs A.  They were busy at the time with a lot going on in their lives.  I told his wife first in a Facebook conversation (she uses it far more than him) and the response was quite lukewarm and it felt like it was uncaring.  It was a one-sided, short conversation with little response and an abrupt end.  I play the conversation over and over again.  Was a private Facebook conversation the right way to tell them?  Was she was worried about loads of other things?  Is it that we haven’t seen each other for a long time?  Did she just not know what to say?  There are loads of reasons for it, but I was left feeling bereft.

I showed the conversation to another friend who felt that his wife was just preoccupied, had lots on and I had picked a bad moment.   I agreed.  The issue was more about where I am right now - that I am lonely and am probably looking for things from people that they can’t possibly be expected to give.  The day after that conversation, my friend of nearly 20 years in finding out that my long marriage was in trouble, Facebook messaged me a quote about how things get better in the end.  No commentary, no words, nothing.  Just the quote.  Fine, he was busy too.  They both had a lot on.

But I guess the problem is compounded by what has happened since then really.  In the last three months...nothing.  I thought I would have warranted more really.  A call, an email, a how are you, anything.  I’m the type of friend who if someone has a problem, I want to be there for them.  I want them to know they can turn to me.  I want to help out.

I talked to Mrs A about it recently and how upset I am and she said that I should make contact with them and say how I’m feeling and that I should, in particular, ask them if they mind me being there today.  I even planned my route and printed off parking details.

Today arrived and I know Mrs A’s recommendations are the grown up thing to do, but actually, I’m going to let it pass. Sometimes, despite how sad it makes you feel, it is easier to let things go.  I have a number of one-way friendships that exist because I make the effort to make sure that they do.  I barely have enough wherewithal to keep myself going at the moment, why continue to fight for things others don’t appear to want either?

5 comments:

  1. Its a sad fact of life that the people we hope will always be there for us often aren't.

    I had a friend who shared a house with me, we got on great and when he married we became a very good four. He sadly though never made the effort and there comes a time when you have to just give up. Its sad but a fact of life

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    1. I know. I still wonder whether I should do the grown up thing. But might wait until I'm in a happier place...

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  2. Hi. Sorry to hear that things have not been that good for you.

    Friends who leave? Yes, it is unpleasant. Sometimes we grow apart, othertimes, it feels more like they have dropped you. Neither is pleasant and while it is good to try and rekindle old relationships, sometimes, you cannot bring it back.

    Thinking of you <3
    Lynn
    x

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    1. Thank you Lynn - has been really horrible, but its to be endured I guess.

      My problem is that I never stop trying to maintain friendships even after they've gone past the curve. I need to learn to know when to hold on and when to let go.

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  3. Been there, Rhi, and the sadness lingers.

    The ones that come to my mind date from years ago, and I was not a terribly sensitive person before Leslie started to emerge. I would say things without thinking first, and only realize later (sometimes years!) how hurtful it must have been. I blame myself for the fallout.

    I like to believe that I do a better job of editing my verbal impulses now, and am more sensitive to old friends and new.

    I guess I'm just saying that relationships sometimes run their course without our being aware. You're a different person now, and they may be as well. I would encourage reaching out once more, without expectation, and be prepared to leave it there. If unreciprocated, give your time and attention to newer friends that know the current you better.

    All my best,
    Leslie

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