I’ve been using the weekend to get stuff in order. No bad reason. Just was feeling out of control in terms of what I had committed to do for people. But its amazing that when you begin to get stuff sorted out that it frees up your brain to think. So this weekend, I also thunked.
There is surely a balance between stupidity and bravery? You can’t be daft with your girliness and just flaunt it? Just saying ‘f**k it’ and going out irrespective of convincingness isn’t something people do is it? Mini-skirts and fat legs are wrong aren’t they? 37 year old men in mainstream situations wearing women’s clothes is a hanging offense right? Telling people that you are trans is tantamount to jumping off a cliff with no parachute isn’t it?
What’s the point? There are people in this blogosphere of ours who do all of the above. They enjoy their girliness. They don’t care about passing. They (God forbid) wear mini-skirts without any regard for the prettiness of their legs. They go into the mainstream. They are open and honest with most people about who they are.
Let’s just make one thing very very clear. I’m not one of them. On the miniskirt front, you should be very grateful for that. Although once upon a time, the pins weren’t bad. But what is it that stops me? Why don’t I just get stuck in? Instead, what I do is to constantly overthink the situation. Most situations actually. Last week's fashion event for example. I play the mind games of "what are people thinking?" and are they are thinking negative thoughts about me. I should just get in there and enjoy myself. Ironically, part of what I am thinking is that they might get the wrong idea about me. Let’s just play that one through a second. For fun. A man, presenting as a man, at a ladies fashion event, trawling through stalls of ladies clothes, looking comfortable and happy. What conclusion would you draw other than the one that is 100% spot on correct? Why am I bothered about the fact that people draw that conclusion? Its what I am -- and if I’m going to such events, surely I am putting myself out there as it is already. So worrying about it means I end up not enjoying myself as much as I should have.
The thing is that I need to get a bit braver and just do it. I need to stop worrying about what people think all the time and worry about the fact that I am missing out and not getting any younger while I’m doing it. Sarah posted on my last blog saying that I need to, “stop beating yourself up and start living.” She has known me a long time and she’s right. I know that some of the above points are correct: there is definitely a balance between stupidity and bravery. Turning up at work and knocking on the Director's door as Rhiannon without warning might be seen as silly. Shocking Mrs A with my favourite dress would definitely be a negative life changing experience. But there is more enjoyment of life to be had than I’m having at the moment. Much more. And I want it really badly.
I want to be one of them.
Monday, 12 March 2012
Friday, 9 March 2012
Half and half
OK, so interesting night. One of my fantastic friends is an absolute guru on woman’s fashion, image and style. What she doesn’t know about the subject isn’t worth knowing and she has amazing taste in clothes and just knows what works on anyone. Tonight, she was running an event for women on what the trends are for Spring Summer, what has been on the catwalk and how its translated to High Street fashion.
Together with another friend, the lovely L, I decided to go along. It seemed like a really good idea when I booked. I love guru-lady to bits, she is awesome - and was just the most welcoming host. There must have been 80-90 ladies there - and me. Running late and going straight from work, I went in boy mode and it felt weird. Don’t get me wrong: the presentation was great - and some great advice - in fact, I can’t wait to go shopping - I loved some of the new fashion styles. I got really wrapped up in the presentation.
80-90 ladies having a ball and one very awkward looking, besuited and bespectacled large man kinda didn’t really work. The situation bought out the paranoia in me. Surely they are thinking, “what’s that man doing here.” Or, “does he realise he arrived in the wrong place.” Or worse, “he is making me feel uncomfortable.” I know it was my issue, I was the one feeling out of place, they probably didn’t even notice.
But it brought home to me that I’m just in a weird half and half state. I don’t fit in with men at all, I can’t do the bloke conversation. After years of trying, I just can’t. But I very clearly didn’t find it easy to fit in with girls either. Maybe if I had been dressed and made up I might have. But somehow I feel like that would have made it even more difficult. L was lovely and I was so glad she was there or I don’t know how I would have coped at all.
Feeling frustrated, confused and like I’m never going to fit in anywhere. Is this our lot, or is it just me?
Together with another friend, the lovely L, I decided to go along. It seemed like a really good idea when I booked. I love guru-lady to bits, she is awesome - and was just the most welcoming host. There must have been 80-90 ladies there - and me. Running late and going straight from work, I went in boy mode and it felt weird. Don’t get me wrong: the presentation was great - and some great advice - in fact, I can’t wait to go shopping - I loved some of the new fashion styles. I got really wrapped up in the presentation.
80-90 ladies having a ball and one very awkward looking, besuited and bespectacled large man kinda didn’t really work. The situation bought out the paranoia in me. Surely they are thinking, “what’s that man doing here.” Or, “does he realise he arrived in the wrong place.” Or worse, “he is making me feel uncomfortable.” I know it was my issue, I was the one feeling out of place, they probably didn’t even notice.
But it brought home to me that I’m just in a weird half and half state. I don’t fit in with men at all, I can’t do the bloke conversation. After years of trying, I just can’t. But I very clearly didn’t find it easy to fit in with girls either. Maybe if I had been dressed and made up I might have. But somehow I feel like that would have made it even more difficult. L was lovely and I was so glad she was there or I don’t know how I would have coped at all.
Feeling frustrated, confused and like I’m never going to fit in anywhere. Is this our lot, or is it just me?
Sunday, 4 March 2012
SAD and happy and sad: shoes and blues
I’ve been SAD. It wasn’t diagnosed as such and I’ve not seen the Doctor about it, but I know it to be true. I always get strange looks from people when I own up to the fact that March 1st is my favourite day of the year. And that my second favourite is, this year, 24th March. I hate the Winter-time with a dislike approaching hatred. So the moment that Spring begins to poke through, the almost depression like cloud begins to lift. The alteration in the clocks is the final nail in the coffin and we begin to enjoy long evenings of light and everything feels right again. Seasonal Affective Disorder? Who knows? I just know that things get happier from here on in. Well, until October / November that is. As a result of the impending Spring, and a few other factors, recently, I’ve been happier.
Other factors? Enter shoes, stage left. Do you ever cringe when t-girls rabbit on about their shoes and handbags? I must admit that I sometimes do. I think that in the hands of some, conversations on the subject can feel put on and affected. There is almost a sense that, “its what women do” ergo we should too: whether we feel it or not. So please bear that in mind when I say that I have been looking for a particular pair of shoes for a very long time and now finally, I have them. And as a result, I’ve become the object of my own cringe. But actually, I really don’t care. I’m completely swooning about them and if it wasn’t for society and my family and colleagues’ collective harsh gazes, I’d be wearing them all the time.
It will probably sound like I’m just a big trend follower: but I’ve wanted a pair of nude patent leather heels for ever. Being a size 10, you have to put up with, to a degree, what’s available. To press, none of the nude shoes that I spotted were perfect. I’ve seen open toed, but I wanted closed. I’ve seen suede leather, but I wanted patent. I’ve seen flats and low heels, but I wanted 3-4 inches. I’d just about given up. And now, sadly, I’m happy.
About a year ago: in this blog in fact, I discovered the therapeutic power of shoes and the act of shoe shopping. It really does work. No matter how you are feeling, buying a new pair of shoes will reverse the bad mood. Clearly if you can buy a new pink top, a scarf, some jeans and some new underwear at the same time too, that might possibly help too... :o)
Anyway, so clearly there is an upside to retail therapy, but based on the pleasure -- pain theory, there must be a downside too. And the downside for me is complete guilt. Guilt is such a downer when you are feeling happy. With no surety of whether I shop because I chose to or because I have to, I feel that I probably shouldn't. The thing about shopping is that it costs money and whilst I’m spending disposable income, given how Mrs A feels about it all, I feel bad spending money on Rhiannon stuff at all. Maybe I should be saving it or spending it on mortgages or bills instead. Y’know, useful stuff. Stuff that is not the very thing I’m supposed to be avoiding and not doing. Every pound I spend makes me feel like I’m going further along that slippery path to certain doom. (Sorry, couldn’t resist the melodrama.)
The trouble is that as I’m sliding further along it, I’m smiling and shouting, “Weeeeeeeee”. Oops.
Other factors? Enter shoes, stage left. Do you ever cringe when t-girls rabbit on about their shoes and handbags? I must admit that I sometimes do. I think that in the hands of some, conversations on the subject can feel put on and affected. There is almost a sense that, “its what women do” ergo we should too: whether we feel it or not. So please bear that in mind when I say that I have been looking for a particular pair of shoes for a very long time and now finally, I have them. And as a result, I’ve become the object of my own cringe. But actually, I really don’t care. I’m completely swooning about them and if it wasn’t for society and my family and colleagues’ collective harsh gazes, I’d be wearing them all the time.
It will probably sound like I’m just a big trend follower: but I’ve wanted a pair of nude patent leather heels for ever. Being a size 10, you have to put up with, to a degree, what’s available. To press, none of the nude shoes that I spotted were perfect. I’ve seen open toed, but I wanted closed. I’ve seen suede leather, but I wanted patent. I’ve seen flats and low heels, but I wanted 3-4 inches. I’d just about given up. And now, sadly, I’m happy.
About a year ago: in this blog in fact, I discovered the therapeutic power of shoes and the act of shoe shopping. It really does work. No matter how you are feeling, buying a new pair of shoes will reverse the bad mood. Clearly if you can buy a new pink top, a scarf, some jeans and some new underwear at the same time too, that might possibly help too... :o)
Anyway, so clearly there is an upside to retail therapy, but based on the pleasure -- pain theory, there must be a downside too. And the downside for me is complete guilt. Guilt is such a downer when you are feeling happy. With no surety of whether I shop because I chose to or because I have to, I feel that I probably shouldn't. The thing about shopping is that it costs money and whilst I’m spending disposable income, given how Mrs A feels about it all, I feel bad spending money on Rhiannon stuff at all. Maybe I should be saving it or spending it on mortgages or bills instead. Y’know, useful stuff. Stuff that is not the very thing I’m supposed to be avoiding and not doing. Every pound I spend makes me feel like I’m going further along that slippery path to certain doom. (Sorry, couldn’t resist the melodrama.)
The trouble is that as I’m sliding further along it, I’m smiling and shouting, “Weeeeeeeee”. Oops.
Sunday, 26 February 2012
“And nobody else is going to put it right for me...Nobody but me is gonna change my story”
Do you ever get niggling little phrases that won’t stop going around in your head? The above phrase is one of those. It just won’t let up on me. I blogged about a week or so ago on those words. They are taken from the musical Matilda written by the sublime Tim Minchin. But its almost like someone is putting them into my mind and whenever they go out of my mind, they pop straight back in. Or maybe its just a catchy tune.
But its made me realise that there are areas in my life where I really need to take control. And that at the moment, I’m not doing that. At all. I want to change my story. I have an amazing story that I want for my life, but its not the story that I currently have. The song from Matilda talks about the inevitability of stories. For example that Jack and Jill were always going to fall down the hill and that ‘it was written in the stars’ that Romeo and Juliet would die. She asks why didn’t they just change their stories. They could have done. Surely? What would I say to Matilda about my story?
I’ve talked about this before, but the thing really that is wrong with my story, in the main, is that I seem to largely refuse to take any kind of responsibility for it. There are only two situations where I get things done. When someone else is chasing me for it. Or where there is a deadline date that is within the next 24 hours that I’m scared about. That is a sad state of affairs. I almost never get things done in advance of deadlines and could even be accused of being late on occasions. Where its down to me, things tend to just drift.
I wish I could be different - I wish I planned and thought ahead - and therein lies the problem. So I’m exploring ways of planning around taking a different approach. I’ve realised that my ‘fire fighting’ of issues is becoming such a cause of stress to me and others, that I want to stop it.
In this case the thing that’s bothering me the most, that I allow to drift, is my weight, exercise and alcohol consumption. All of them, with the exception of exercise are too high. And I’m not tackling it because no-one is chasing me for it or chastising me because its out of control. My whole story is one where since being young I hated exercise. From 16 I began to yoyo weight. And since about 25, I’ve drunk too much, too regularly. I really have had enough.
So I want to change the story. And I'm going to report on how the story is changing right here. I'm going to address these three things and I'm going to put how I'm doing on-line. It is only going to be one measly blog post per month, but I am going to report on my progress. If you don’t want to read it, you don’t have to, but your kind support would be appreciated of course. And although there is a danger of it being a car crash of a blog, I am going to report on three statistical figures:
I’m going to be brutally honest about those three things. You don’t need to do anything, but I think that some of you I consider to be friends and I know you’ll just stop by and look. Given my determination, I hope that I’ll even get the odd yay for my now inevitable success.
It feels like the story is starting to change already.
But its made me realise that there are areas in my life where I really need to take control. And that at the moment, I’m not doing that. At all. I want to change my story. I have an amazing story that I want for my life, but its not the story that I currently have. The song from Matilda talks about the inevitability of stories. For example that Jack and Jill were always going to fall down the hill and that ‘it was written in the stars’ that Romeo and Juliet would die. She asks why didn’t they just change their stories. They could have done. Surely? What would I say to Matilda about my story?
I’ve talked about this before, but the thing really that is wrong with my story, in the main, is that I seem to largely refuse to take any kind of responsibility for it. There are only two situations where I get things done. When someone else is chasing me for it. Or where there is a deadline date that is within the next 24 hours that I’m scared about. That is a sad state of affairs. I almost never get things done in advance of deadlines and could even be accused of being late on occasions. Where its down to me, things tend to just drift.
I wish I could be different - I wish I planned and thought ahead - and therein lies the problem. So I’m exploring ways of planning around taking a different approach. I’ve realised that my ‘fire fighting’ of issues is becoming such a cause of stress to me and others, that I want to stop it.
In this case the thing that’s bothering me the most, that I allow to drift, is my weight, exercise and alcohol consumption. All of them, with the exception of exercise are too high. And I’m not tackling it because no-one is chasing me for it or chastising me because its out of control. My whole story is one where since being young I hated exercise. From 16 I began to yoyo weight. And since about 25, I’ve drunk too much, too regularly. I really have had enough.
So I want to change the story. And I'm going to report on how the story is changing right here. I'm going to address these three things and I'm going to put how I'm doing on-line. It is only going to be one measly blog post per month, but I am going to report on my progress. If you don’t want to read it, you don’t have to, but your kind support would be appreciated of course. And although there is a danger of it being a car crash of a blog, I am going to report on three statistical figures:
- How much weight have I lost during the month.
- How many periods of exercise have I undertaken during the month (period = any time of physical exertion over 20 minutes)
- How many units of alcohol I have consumed over the course of the month.
I’m going to be brutally honest about those three things. You don’t need to do anything, but I think that some of you I consider to be friends and I know you’ll just stop by and look. Given my determination, I hope that I’ll even get the odd yay for my now inevitable success.
It feels like the story is starting to change already.
Friday, 24 February 2012
And outings that make you beam
So for some who read this, their response will be a big “so what”. If it is, I apologise for taking up your time. My blog is probably too fluffy for you anyway!! :o) But for those interested, it was a HUGE wow moment for me.
As you will know from my last post, I had some new photos taken this week and I was really pleased with them. I emailed them to a couple of friends who for various reasons don’t read blogs very much. One of my good friends, who is an awesome (rg) lady and a great supporter of mine, showed my photos to her sister. The sister and I are unlikely to ever cross paths and I have no issue with her knowing my secret at all. See previous blog on my ‘secret keeping policy’! In fact, if she's anything like my friend, I want her to know!
The twist that made me smile is this. When my friend showed her sister the photos, she didn’t tell her that I was really a boy - and her sister didn’t twig. She just thought that I was one of my friend’s girlfriends!
Plus they loved the green top. Yay me!
I know that its a small thing and that some of you are beyond needing this kind of affirmation or (lucky you) get it all the time. But the reality is that I don’t (yet). So it absolutely made my day. I was delighted.
I’ve since had other really nice feedback from friends who have seen the photos which is helping to create a very positive feeling in my heart and is edging out the sadness.
Told you that you might think, “so what”! But another milestone for me.
As you will know from my last post, I had some new photos taken this week and I was really pleased with them. I emailed them to a couple of friends who for various reasons don’t read blogs very much. One of my good friends, who is an awesome (rg) lady and a great supporter of mine, showed my photos to her sister. The sister and I are unlikely to ever cross paths and I have no issue with her knowing my secret at all. See previous blog on my ‘secret keeping policy’! In fact, if she's anything like my friend, I want her to know!
The twist that made me smile is this. When my friend showed her sister the photos, she didn’t tell her that I was really a boy - and her sister didn’t twig. She just thought that I was one of my friend’s girlfriends!
Plus they loved the green top. Yay me!
I’ve since had other really nice feedback from friends who have seen the photos which is helping to create a very positive feeling in my heart and is edging out the sadness.
Told you that you might think, “so what”! But another milestone for me.
Tuesday, 21 February 2012
More frippery...
Given how sad I've been recently, particularly about my self-image of Rhiannon, a photo session I'd set up before Christmas was perfectly timed to happen yesterday. I booked a longer session so that it could be really relaxed and could enjoy myself. Anyway, apologies for creating another self-indulgent narcissistic blog, but hey, you only live once!
My normal miserablist blogs will return soon, never fear!
My normal miserablist blogs will return soon, never fear!
Friday, 17 February 2012
Amazing songs...
So I’m very overly sentimental and a huge fan of musicals. I’ve just recently downloaded the soundtrack for the new musical “Matilda”. I’ve been a huge Tim Minchin fan for some time, but he really has surpassed himself with this one. The score is multi-layered with clever interchanges between songs. It is just a joy. So much so that I now want to go and see it on stage.
The song that I love the most is called 'Naughty' and its because of these words that have been inspiring me all week:
“Cos if you're little you can do a lot, you
Mustn't let a little thing like 'little' stop you
If you sit around and let them get on top, you
Won't change a thing
Just because you find that life's not fair, it
Doesn't mean that you just have to grin and bear it
If you always take it on the chin and wear it
You might as well be saying you think that it's OK
And that's not right
And if it's not right
You have to put it right
And nobody else is going to put it right for me
Nobody but me is gonna change my story
Sometimes you have to be a little bit naughty”
My millenary, and indeed fascinator, is dothed to Mr Tim Minchin for capturing, deep down, how I feel.
Have a happy Friday...
The song that I love the most is called 'Naughty' and its because of these words that have been inspiring me all week:
“Cos if you're little you can do a lot, you
Mustn't let a little thing like 'little' stop you
If you sit around and let them get on top, you
Won't change a thing
Just because you find that life's not fair, it
Doesn't mean that you just have to grin and bear it
If you always take it on the chin and wear it
You might as well be saying you think that it's OK
And that's not right
And if it's not right
You have to put it right
And nobody else is going to put it right for me
Nobody but me is gonna change my story
Sometimes you have to be a little bit naughty”
My millenary, and indeed fascinator, is dothed to Mr Tim Minchin for capturing, deep down, how I feel.
Have a happy Friday...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)