Start, stop, start…

Two weeks ago, I had a blissful 24 hours in Rhiannon mode.  I really should do that more often.  How about all the time? :o)  As I said in my last blog, I had, the night before this 24 hours started, spent a fantastic evening with one of my very good friends, A2.  She really is a clever, amazing, accepting, beautiful and awesome lady.  Our conversations went late into the night and were wide ranging, honest, open and very frank.  I feel very lucky to have friends I can talk in that way when needed.  Given that this was all accompanied by some nice wine and Thai food to die for, it was a great evening.  Just a shame it was in boy mode.  Presenting as me would have been a very nice cherry on the cake.

After a good sleep in my favourite pyjamas, I woke up at A2’s house and set about getting made up and dressed.  A2 has seen lots of photos, but never met me as Rhiannon, despite our 15 year friendship, so this was an amazing moment for me, but also a little scary.  As expected, she was lovely and it was very easy.  After some very nice compliments, we both had work to do, so we got on with it.  Settling down at our respective laptops, we bashed out the rest of the morning.  At one point, I asked, “Does this feel weird for you?”  Her response was that it felt more normal than if I’d been presenting male because its actually me.  I need more time with her for sure!  In fact, she has agreed to cook me her signature dish in April, so another Rhiannon evening to be had with her which I am looking forward to a lot.

But all things must come to a end and I needed to leave around lunch time.  I had plans in the afternoon for coffee which came to naught, so I just drove down South ready for dinner with B and K.  Half way down, I realised that I was going to turn up empty handed.  I wanted to buy some Prosecco to take with me, so I stopped off for a quick shop in M&S.  Apart from a few stares, it was very uneventful.  I’m starting to think the stares are just because I’m beautiful rather than for any other reason.  :o)

Then I headed off.  Quick change of top, perfume spritz, new shoes on and I was ready to go to see B and K.  This time, we were at B’s house.  I have mentioned BK before here.  You couldn’t meet two more lovely, kind friends.  B had arranged with her husband for him to be out for the night, but I arrived before he left.  She had brought him up to speed on my situation a couple of weeks ago and I just found him to be amazing.  He was respectful, kind, interesting and accepting.  In fact, I said to B later about how lucky she was - men like that are definite keepers.  I’ve met him once or twice before, but if all men were like him, being trans would be a complete breeze.

B then proceeded to spend the evening completely excelling herself, cordon-bleu style.  After the opening nibbles of designer bread, oil, artichoke hearts, olives and sun-dried tomatoes, she had cooked butternut squash soup.  Both delicious but topped off by home-made meatballs in tomato sauce with tagliatelle.  And if that wasn’t enough, dessert was panna cotta with a summer berry jus and home made bailey’s ice-cream.  I’m surprised that my new top still fitted me afterwards.  Accompany that with just normal, nice conversations about holidays, work, boyfriends, new pets (for K) etc and it was just the kind of night I’ve always dreamt of enjoying.  Feeling very normal and just chatting with the girls.  It felt like that night was a precious gift from B and K.  They don't think they have done anything special, but they have done more than they can imagine.

The title of this blog began ‘start, stop’ because since then, I’ve gone from spending 2-3 days per week in Rhiannon mode and going out at least once a week since New Year, to nothing.  Things have been so busy and I’ve been away a lot, so I’ve not been able to do anything at all.  Its interesting because as a result, all of the sadness, feeling down, lethargy etc has all returned and I’ve been feeling very sad inside again.  Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had some highs, including going to Kinky Boots The Musical in London this week.  Now that deserves its own blog!  But I've not felt right again.

So, *drum roll*, all of that has brought me to a fairly dramatic conclusion.  It has made me realise that I need to present as me more and more and that putting it off, resisting and hiding it, just isn’t going to work at all.  It just leads me to a very unhappy place.  My conclusion is that I need to transition if I possibly can.  This won’t be an overnight thing, there is a lot to do, but I need to start getting ready so that over the next year or two, I’m ready to go.   I mentioned a year ago, in this blog, that I went to the Doctors to tell them I was trans and that it wasn’t the best experience ever.  So this time, at least to start with, I’m going to go private.  I’ve got an appointment booked with Dr Curtis' practice in London and I’m nervously awaiting trying to move my life forward.  I know this sounds like a big step, but honestly, its been building for a long time and I just have to take action before I lose myself.

Problematic Wardrobe Gaps

The other day, I had the chance to go out for evening dinner with a male friend.  Given my current resolve to go out as often as possible as Rhiannon, I jumped at the chance.  As you do, I spent quite a lot of time considering what I should wear.  But what I discovered was - and apologies because it also could sound incredibly stereotypical - I really didn’t have anything to wear.

I realised that I have been presenting as Rhiannon in certain situations at certain times of the day and that my wardrobe has grown up around those requirements.  I go out a lot during the day for lunch to restaurants and for shopping trips, so I had lots of day clothes that I could wear, but they aren’t really evening-smart.  Also that there are some types of clothes that I particularly like, so have lots of those.  These are namely, nice evening dresses, but most of them are not appropriate for a night out with someone in jeans and I didn’t want to mismatch.

My friends A1 and S were very helpful in helping me to think it through.  Together, we decided on my purple chiffon-y dress with tights, some less smart heels and muted accessories.  One of my favourite pieces of advice from Sun Tzu's "The Art of War" (I know!) is that, "no plan stands contact with the enemy."  That night it proved to be true.  When my friend arrived, he was in jeans and a jacket and I felt incredibly overdressed and thought that we were wearing considerably different levels of formality.  I would have struggled to relax and enjoy myself.  Out came my nice day top, jeans and flats and I felt a little underdressed compared to the other girls who were out, but it worked a little better.

My realisation was that most women would probably not have this challenge because going out for early evening dinner is something that they would do regularly and  so would have appropriate clothes.  Often when, “I’ve got nothing to wear,” is heard, it is because it is a new and/or important situation rather than being something they regularly do.  I looked desperately on-line in the couple of days leading up to dinner because I suspected that this might be a problem, but to no avail.  So, I decided that I need to be ready for the future.  So since the meal, I have been hunting for dressy evening tops and a nice, but less formal dress for the next time that happens :o)  The results are here:

     

Last Friday, I got the chance to try out one of the tops when I spent the evening with B and K from my previous blog.  In fact I spent the whole day as Rhiannon (not in a dressy top!) and introduced myself as myself for the first time to my friend A2.  It was a great day, but needs another blog post to do it justice, so I’ll work on that one as soon as I have a moment.  My friends are being fantastic and really are helping my to get out more. :o)

Finally, I have also realised that v-neck tops are very flattering to me and work for my shape.  Rounded neck tops are lovely, but they do make me feel a little wider.  So (too much shopping), I bought two new ones of those too.  They look great on - in fact, this is one of them.

Shopping for 'Curves' (Part 1)

For a while now, I have wanted to write a blog on plus sized clothing for transgender ladies.  Clearly, there a lot of transwomen who are very slim and fit into the normal sized clothes range.  Over the last few years I have continuously grown and so that is not an option for now, so I had to learn how to buy and put together nice outfits despite only being able to buy larger items.  At the moment, I’m a size 26 on top, 22 on bottom and I have size 10EEE feet and am 5'11.

Whilst that may seem large - and I am dieting (she guiltily quickly says), I am learning to try to be proud of just being me.  I have to say that I’ve been absolutely inspired by the growth in the number of blogs by natal women on body confidence for larger ladies.  Women who are leading the way in saying that they are proud of their bodies and are no longer succumbing to societal peer pressure to conform.  It is about them loving who they are, irrespective of size and shape.  My two favourites are Callie’s From the Corner of the Curve and Georgina’s Fuller Figure Fuller Bust.  They are both amazing women and I have taken their advice on a number of occasions.

Though I am writing this post, I’m don't think of myself as an expert, more a curious student.  Despite my size, many of my female acquaintances compliment me on how I dress.  I know women do that anyway, often they pick out a particular item that another women is wearing and highlight how much they like it.   The two comments I most commonly get are focused on my jewellery and the overall co-ordination of what I am wearing and how well it is put together.   Given my low self-esteem, in my head, I always add, ‘for a man in dress’, but it really is kind of them all the same.

This subject will, out of necessity, run into a few posts, but I wanted to start with the principles that I apply when I am deciding what to buy in particular, but also what to wear.  I wanted to share these with you in the hope that they help.  My aim for my 'look' is to stand out with some individuality, but to blend into what 'normal' clothes most of the women I’m trying to mingle with are wearing.  I don’t pass (not to say I won’t at some point) but I want to try to look nice, smell nice and to not give any obvious reasons for incongruence.  So I:

Dress for my age 
I’m 41.  There I said it.  Dressing like a teenage is no longer an option!  When I first started properly dressing, clearly my denim miniskirt and low cut pink gypsy top were ideal, but I would have been spotted (putting it politely) a mile off.  Particularly with my first ever shoe purchase: patent leather baby pink platforms with a 7-inch heel!  What was I thinking!?  These days, I spend a lot of time looking for other women in the their early 40s to try to see what they are wearing and to wear similar.   One of my favourite outfits, you have seen before is my butterfly top - it is a see through chiffon gauzy material that I wear with a cream cami-top and often a blue cardigan.  I get really nice feedback on it.  The point is that when I go out for dinner, I see a lot of women wearing similar tops - especially a couple of years ago when it was all the rage!

Consider proportions
One of the things that most hit me when talking to one of my loveliest friends who knows a huge amount about personal image was proportions.  When you are larger, you need to adjust the proportions of your clothes and accessories accordingly.   If you think about it, handbags and accessories are designed for women who are often smaller and slimmer.  If you carry a little bag around, it is very noticeable.  When I buy bags for everyday use, I tend now to buy from the tote or shopper range because they are larger. When people see me with my bag, it doesn’t look out of place at all because it is proportionate to me.  For nights out, I bought an oversized clutch - fortunately there was a trend of them a couple of years ago.  The bag looks normal in proportion to me.  I do the same for my jewellery - if I can, I buy big necklaces and bracelets which lessen the effect of my chunky hands, arms and neck.

Co-ordinate colours and jewellery
One of the reasons, I think they say that I am ‘well put together’ is because I am very careful to co-ordinate the colours and styles in my outfits.  Given I’m colour-blind, I’m surprised that I get away with it. :o)   I can never tell if its something I do naturally, but I try to keep colours together - so blue and black, green and brown, pink and red etc.  I also live for my dark jeans as they help co-ordinate colours and lots of black shoes and boots.  I try not to have too many clashing colours although I noticed that this will be one of the Summer trends this year.   Early on, I decided not to buy expensive jewellery and instead to buy lots of it in many different colours so that I have a match for virtually every outfit.  Some would consider my dress sense very safe, but the jewellery is often my statement.  One of my friends bought me an amazing necklace that has become one of my go to items.   I also try to match as much as possible.  Typically I wear black shoes (loving my flat ballet pumps at the moment) but I try to match the colour of my shoes to my bag or top if I possibly can.  I know that is also standard advice given to women!

Find the colours that are my friend
They say blue for a boy and pink for a girl.  I do wear pink sometimes, but actually blue is much more friendly to my skin tone and my blue eyes.   So I try to wear some blue in a lot of my outfits.  It helps my face and make up to look nice and not too washed out.  My recent outfit purchase in blue is much better for me than the one in pink that I got.  Pink works for me if I can find exactly the right shade.  I’m no expert, but I really think it is worth getting someone to advise on what colours suit you, it makes a huge difference to your confidence. :o)


Play to your assets 
I’m definitely not one of the strikingly beautiful ladies who were born that way.  So I try to play to my three best assets.  1. I’m fortunate to have soft features on my face and my wig was chosen specifically to soften and frame my face even further.  2. My legs from just above the knee downwards are quite feminine. The photo to the side gets me lots of compliments accordingly. I choose dresses that fall to just the right place if possible.  3.  Due to my weight, I have a natural b-cup breast/moob which really helps me to pull off some great cleavage.  Recently, I’ve discovered the advantages of v-necked tops and how much they help me!  Its really helpful to work out what are your best bits and how can you co-ordinate your clothes around it.   Seems to help me anyway!

Sorry, that ended up being quite long, but I hope was helpful.  I’m much better at drivelling on about how sad or happy I am than writing useful blogs, but its a start I guess… next time, I'm planning to write a little about where I go to buy my clothes as there are definitely some great places out there.

Selfie February

Morning.  Please forgive the quality of my selfies - first two on computer and third on my phone. Clearly I need some work on both my selfie technique (the lighting in particular) - and on me!  (And that isn't fishing for compliments - its selfie self feedback!).  But just felt pretty in pink this morning, so thought I'd post.  Please be gentle!  :o) xxx

Is it possible to be so happy?

In the midst of lots of difficulty, how is it that sometimes, you want to jump up and down with joy?  I have some really difficult things going on at the moment that are going to take all of my resilience, strength, determination and diplomacy to get through.  Even the best I can be might not get me through it.  Add into the mix that more Rhiannon time = potential marital breakdown.  Also consider that any transition will not happen in the immediately foreseeable future and I should be so sad and down.  But its amazing because I have never felt so alive and happy as I’m feeling right now.

You will recall that I said my New Year resolutions included a target to go out as Rhiannon at least once per month.  So far this year, I am smashing the target into the back of the net, and I think that it is this fact that has led to this unusual height of happiness.  Clearly the cynical Brit in me is waiting for it all to come crashing down around me, but for now I’ll enjoy.

This week I have managed to spend 2 full days as Rhiannon and been out on both occasions and have enjoyed them immensely.  The first was earlier in the week and involved travelling over to Manchester to enjoy lunch with a friend.  Admittedly, it was easy enough, it was at Velvet on Canal Street, so you’d expect a high degree of trans-friendliness, but it was still so awesome.  I know that this is sad and probably objectionable in some way, but every time I get called Madam, something inside me breaks and I just want to cry with happiness.  Throughout lunch, the staff made every effort to make me feel like I was another female customer and they looked after me accordingly.  After, I went back to my hotel and aside from dinner, had a lovely afternoon working and getting lots done.

Interestingly two things happened on my way to lunch that I’d never had before.  The first was that I came out of the nearby multi-storey car park and had the shock of my life.  I entered a wind trap.  Have you ever had the experience where everything slows down into slow motion and you worry that something terrible is about to happen?  I felt the wind tug at my (not real) hair and I froze ready to either catch it or to make an embarrassed dash after it!  But, thank goodness, my new wig has clips that held it firmly in place and I just looked instead like any other windswept lady!  Secondly my lunch friend was late and I’d agreed to wait just outside the restaurant for them.  Despite other people being around and there being CCTV, I was amazed at just how exposed I felt.  Just a taste, I suspect, of the insecurity that women feel when out and about.  Or I’m just paranoid. :o)

The second day was fantastic too.  Mainly the day was in the office, but I had a hair appointment in the morning.  As I have said before, I buy, wash and accessorise my wig at a fantastic place in Leeds: Andrea’s Hairoom - her website is http://www.andreashairoom.co.uk.  I know that I’ve recommended her before, but honestly, it can’t be possible that there is a lovelier, more trans-friendly person around.  Her shop is very private and comfortable and what she doesn’t know on the subject is not worth knowing.  Her supplies are drawn from some of the best suppliers around the world.  This visit was because my current wig got a kink in it because it is real hair and I wanted to know how to control it. Andrea offered to help me learn how to style my hair using hair straighteners.  She recommended straighteners from Cloud Nine and very quickly I started to get the idea.  Practice practice practice is going to be the order of the day, but it was so fantastic to be able to do other things with my wig or at the very least to be able to tidy it up.  Helping me in this way requires complete patience and Andrea was just great at teaching the dark art of wigdressing.  She also sells other accessories.  I have been looking for some nice scarves for a long time and she had two for sale that I completely fell in love with.  A fantastic visit all round.  I genuinely can’t wait for my next visit, every time I leave her shop, I feel 100 foot high and brim with confidence.  I love the energy and support she gives as well as being a great resource to the trans community.

I have a feeling that over the next week there are somethings that will dampen my spirit.  But as you can see from my latest photo, taken yesterday morning that I have more happy Rhiannon memories.  The one downside?  I want even more time as Rhiannon now.

The Anatomy of Greed? Or slippery slopes?

The thing is, that owing to work schedules and travel, there is no time this week to change into the real me.  Bummer.   What’s really weird is that sometimes I can go for a very long time where I don’t bother at all when I do have time.  But now I have started again in earnest to spend time as the real me, I’m desperately unhappy in every moment when I am not.  And I mean seriously antsy.  Right now, consumed with disappointment.  To the point where I have a window of 3.30 hours where I could be Rhi and I’m seriously considering it.  Even though it would really interfere with a mountain of work to get done.

Sometimes I wonder if I am just being greedy?  Greed = “An excessive desire to acquire or possess more than what one needs or deserves” or “intense and selfish desire for something”.  Apparently. Two questions:  1. Do I deserve to be Rhiannon? (I know I NEED to)  2.  Is it selfish to be Rhiannon?  Flipping heck.  I’m not sure I’m actually equipped to answer either of those questions without sounding like a narcissistic bitch.  I have talked with a lot of trans friends who agree that transitioning (in particular) could be seen as the ultimate in selfish acts, putting yourself above what others may want.  But what choice do you have?  To turn the question on its head, is it selfish NOT to be Rhiannon.  If I am not her / me, I am unhappy to the point where I could easily do something stupid - generally involving inconsolable sadness, stopping generally short of ending it all.   And if I was stupid would that be selfish to the people around me and they would have a much more damaged version of me.  And am I holding back a happier life for them resulting from me being less grumpy?

Its interesting actually, the need has heightened today due to the fact that I had promised myself Rhiannon time because I knew I couldn’t later in the week.  I feel like I’m betraying myself because a previous meeting overran, stopping me.  I should have protected ‘me’ time.  I also have yet another black tie event coming up this week - and we know how I feel about those.  The thought of no-Rhi time to bookend that is horrible!  I hate being in an ill-fitting suit knowing that I have a lovely dress that I feel nice in sat in the cupboard doing nothing.  Not fair at all.

Don’t get me wrong, I am still feeling on the happy side of positive, but knowing its a week until I can be me is getting harder and harder.  Can you have a slippery slope that takes you upward?  This isn’t greed, its necessity and I’m not slipping down, I’m going up!

2016: Rhiannon in Overdrive?

Following my New Year Resolution that I was going to try to more regularly get out in Rhiannon-mode, I have made a good start to the year.  The modest, but oh-so-measurable target is once a month at least.   In January, I have been out once so far and spent an evening dressed -- clearly smashing the target already! :o)  Today, I have spent a day in the office with some new skinny jeans and a nice new top (see picture below).  My fantastic work colleague and I, even popped out to the Post Office.  And do you know what?  I’m so much happier and more relaxed for it.  Being able to be Rhiannon keeps the dysphoria from the door.

The evening out was a brave one - for both the people I was with and for me, but also nearly didn’t happen.  A couple of weeks ago, I’d set up dinner with two of my very lovely real girl pals, B and K [hereafter BK :o)].  They have known about Rhiannon for a long time and were just so accepting. Just before the meal, I decided to ask them if they would mind me coming as Rhiannon.  Happily they said yes and the date was set.  On the day, I had a real wobble.  My super duper amazing hair had gone off to the wig-seller shop to be washed and reset, so I had to put on my secondary wig.  When I got it out, it was in a bit of a tangle.  I unpicked it and put it on, but I really didn’t feel at all comfortable.  Now that I am used to my new hair, it just doesn’t suit me as well and doesn’t feel real.  But I was determined to have my night out, so I just put up with it and went.  I put on some cute jeans, my butterfly top with the camisole t-shirt underneath and a blue cardigan.  On my feet, I wore my black block heeled boots.

After getting ready in Leeds, I set off and drove down South for dinner.  When I arrived BK were wonderful.  They just didn’t even bat an eyelid.  I’m hugely conscious of the fact that I’m 5’11 and large (although I’ve lost a stone since Christmas!), so I stand out.  But they were completely amazing and totally accepting.  I noticed I got many stares during the course of the evening, but to be honest, I’m starting to be less bothered about that.  I’m proud to be trans and others just need to get over it.  I do my best to look presentable, appropriately dressed and to smell nice.  If they can’t deal with anything beyond that, so be it.  I’m not hurting or harming them in anyway at all.  My only concern was always for my friends and after the evening, on Facebook, I asked whether they were uncomfortable at all and they really weren’t.  In fact the lovely B said, “Not at all...it was just the 3 of us for dinner as usual.”  More than I could have hoped.  We had a lovely meal, chatted, admired B’s amazing new shoes and had fun.

I did have a moment...when I needed to use the toilet - which do I go into?  BK said definitely the Ladies, so off I set.  I breathed a sigh of relief when I went in and it was only me in there.  But as I was leaving, a little girl (around 8) walked through the door and went wide eyed!  I smiled at her and went on my way.  I’m really not sure what she thought!

Two days later, I got the chance to spend Rhiannon time again.  This time with my mum!  Occasionally we get to do mother and daughter nights.  It is just the best thing in the whole wide world when my mum calls me her daughter - it just feels so special.  We had a lovely evening at her house - Chinese, wine and chat.  I put on jeans and a t-shirt top and was very relaxed.  We had such a nice time.  I didn’t want to take it all off, but needs must.  I also put on some nice pyjamas and my mum asked where I got them from as she wanted to buy some too.  Result!!

So, as I said - a cracking start to the year.  My wig arrived back yesterday too, so I’m now even more comfy.  I’ve booked in time to go for a lesson in how to style it too, so it can only get better.  I really am a very happy girl right now.