Chewbacca in a frock?

Hey that’s kind of a cool search to do on Google.  You get some interesting images back.  Also, some very unfair ones.  They are just wrong.  But who knew that you could even buy a Chewbacca dress - they claim its an Ewok dress, but I personally am not convinced.  It is very tempting though.  Sorry, I get distracted very easily.  None of this is the point of this post.   The point of this short post is to seek advice and most of all sympathy.

I’m planning, traffic permitting, to join the Chameleons Christmas party on Thursday.  In my exuberance, I bought a new dress.  It is so cute - a black skater dress with a lace top.  There is only one problem.  Chewbacca.  If you get my drift.  Where I can reach, I am smooth and silky.  Where I can’t, its not like its a furry rug, but its noticeable that I have some guy hair there.  That is really not a look that is going to rock my lacy dress.  So I’ve decided finally that a back wax is the order of the day.

Trepidatiously, I have booked my time slot and tomorrow...  Ouch. Ouch. And did I mention Ouch...  I’m going to have it done.  The pain is worth it presumably for the beautiful look that will follow?

So let’s have it.  What do I need to know that is going to get me through this scary scary rite of passage?  Hint: contributions that allay my fear are the ones I really want to hear. :o)

Its all about proportions

Its been a funny few weeks.  A lot has happened which I don’t have time to cover here right now.  But, to sum it up: shopping, bags, dressing in public for the first time and going Rhiannon-style to the pub.  The place to start is shopping and bags.  But I promise that a blog on trips out will follow on very soon.

One of my multitalented friends, S, helps people to think about how to manage their personal impact on the world.  As part of that she runs a biannual presentation on what is trending in ladies' fashion.  I’ve talked about this in a previous blog.  One of my other friends, L, ‘drags’ me along to ‘support’ her.  OK, so we say that to hide my embarrassment at being the only ‘man’ amongst 50-70 women.  And yes, I’m not going to include any more ‘air quotes’.  They annoy me too.

So one of the points of the excellent presentation this time round dealt with proportions.  Specially selecting bags that match your size.  Its hard to tell from my photos as there are no reference points, but I’m large.  Not tall as such (5’11).  But certainly rotund.  The point was well illustrated when S, who is a larger lady too, obtained a little bag from a member of the audience.  Against S’ frame, the bag looked ridiculous.  Apparently, if you are a larger girl, the top tip is to accessorise by using larger items - e.g. big jewellery and big bags.  Who knew?  Probably everyone except me.  But the point is that I rarely need a reason for shopping, so when I have an actual reason, I’m even happier!  :o)

But the question is where to go to obtain a well proportioned bag without resorting to buying a bin liner?  I searched in all of the obvious places and realised that I needed to go down the tote route.  On the night of the presentation, there was a company selling bags, so I strayed to their website and guess what - I found what I was looking for.  And great value too.  I’m not on their payroll - honest.  So, I went to MiaTui and ordered one of their Amelie bags.  In aubergine since you didn’t ask.  This week, it arrived! And in the flesh it is even better.  I thought that I could only get cheered up by buying shoes, but I now know that the magic works with bags too.

I tried it on the shoulder and I think the proportions work really well.  There is a picture of the bag above.  In a couple of weeks I am having some more photos taken at the lovely Trans-Femme.  I’m intending to include the bag with one of my outfits, so you will be able to judge the proportions for yourself.

Big milestones - the ultimate in ‘coming out’

Do you set resolutions at the start of the year?  This year one of my pledges was that I would finally tell my mother that I was trans.  Like most of us, these promises, set up in the celebratory glow of New Year’s optimism, are normally, to quote Mary Poppins, piecrust.  Easily made and easily broken.  Except this one.  About two weeks ago, I kept the promise to myself and did it, I told her.

It started really when she was visiting for the weekend around my birthday.  I turned 38 this year.  Yes, I know I look much older.  Its been a hard life.  I guess for 10 months I’ve been looking for the right timing to get it over and done with and had not had the opportunity.  Back in the Summer there was a window of time when we were alone together and I nearly did it.  We were watching television and one of those terrible daytime programmes, had on a very effeminate man reviewing fashion items.  He was dressed in a very feminine style and my mother remarked, with amusement, at what a weird bloke he was.  Needless to say, that made me run for the hills rather than say anything.

But back to the plot.  A few weeks ago, she had been at our house for the weekend and by the Sunday, I thought this was going to be another missed opportunity.  Except then it happened.  As you may predict, dutch courage can be very helpful sometimes.  We both had been drinking wine steadily and were in a very frank mood.  Which meant that the conversation started.  Lightly, on a different topic at the beginning.  My mum really really likes Mrs A.  They get on incredibly well, friends almost.  I made a comment about struggling somewhat in my relationship.  My mum countered, dismissing my comment as a joke.  I set my face a bit more sadly and made it clear that it was true.

And then something very weird happened.

Seeing a recognition on her face, that she knew, deep down that it was true, I said, “you know why I am so unhappy, don’t you?”  The whole world stopped turning, every part of my body stopped moving as for a split second I waited.  I urged once more, “You’ve always known haven’t you?”  She looked me in the eyes and nodded.  I have never felt such relief in my whole life.  So the whole story tumbled out and I told her absolutely everything about who I am, how I feel and how I’ve felt my whole life.

In fairness to her, I don’t think she did know everything, but she’d guessed some.  But her response was extraordinary.  She is quite simply a champion woman.  She took a lot of time to reassure me that she absolutely still loved me.  In fact, she said that she loved me even more now that I’d told her because she had felt that for my whole life, I’d been holding something back from her.  The ‘worst part’, that I won’t dwell on, was that she said that I should have told her years ago.  In looking at my photos, she told me I looked beautiful.  She said that wherever this leads me in life, she will stand by me and that she would be proud to go out alongside me however I was dressed.  We hugged a lot.

At the time, a big part of me was in shock.  In fact, one or two friends got texts and one a phone call because I needed to know if I should pinch myself.  But the next day, I wasn’t quite sure how to respond.  I did what felt like a ‘walk of shame’ into the kitchen where she was reading.  I didn't really know what to say.  We’d had wine and there had been a heat of the moment nature to the conversation.   I wondered whether she really felt like that and if she was still the same today.   I tentatively brought the subject up again and she reiterated word for word what she had already said.  Phew.

I guess that’s one big hurdle jumped.

B minus and sinking - fast

A month ago, a friend commented on the fact that I had been neglectful of my blog with no recent posts.  They said that I should get only a B minus for effort.  Weeks later, my hope is that I’ve at the very least retained a C plus.  But I suspect that she would probably have downgraded me even further!  So here it is.  A post.

What’s been going on?  Lots, I guess, and nothing too.  I would reference you to previous blogs really where I have described a certain numbness with regards to my situation.  It is numbness really that I have been feeling - almost an indifference to my situation.

Following my last post, pretty much straight away, Mrs A brought up the conversation of Rhiannon.  As I’d suspected, she hadn’t bought the notion that I’d stopped my feminine ways.  This conversation nearly led to a break up, but a form of entente cordial broke out once she’d got it off her chest.  We went back into a holding pattern.  This doesn’t mean she is any happier with it, or more accepting.  In fact, to be honest, I’m not sure I really know what it means.  Or where we really are with it.  All I know for sure is that she wants me to stop, but is choosing not to bring the subject up.

But following that a combination of a slog of a month at work, not feeling particularly well and heightened guilty feelings meant that I have neither the time nor the inclination to girl it up.  My feelings have not changed, but I felt numb again.  Almost like I was watching myself from outside my body.  And I felt incredibly sad for a few weeks.

Over the last week or so, normality has resumed somewhat.  A couple of nights where Rhiannon was Rhiannon, including a 3 hour drive in girl mode have helped to reinstate normality.  The loss of a few pounds helped too.

I still feel a real discontent inside me - almost like an apathy that I can’t shake, a lack of energy and drive.  I’ve taken big action on the job front and to quote the Spice Girls, two is about to become one.  This will make things less complicated.  It is slightly risky and scary as I went for the less secure option.  Is that mad in the current climate?  But hard work and focus will, I’m sure, prevail.  But I suspect that professional upheaval is weighing on my mind somewhat as well.

All in all a turbulent time.  But I am still here.  Still enjoying reading other’s blogs.  Sorry for the absence - I should have taken you all on the above journey with me.

In keeping with C+, I will try to do better next time.

Into the archive

I honestly will get back to some 'real' content soon, but I was going through my old files this morning and strayed into my back catalogue, so for completeness wanted to add a few of these shots into the mix.  These were taken back in 2009-2010, which seems like ages ago, showing four main points:

1. my look has come on a lot in that time - I think for the better, although that black dress is cute - not sure I can qualify for LBD status given the Trades Description Act!

2. I was a fair bit slimmer then!  Really need to work on that now!

3. I have become more demure and less tarty.

4. brunette works better on me than being a redhead!  In my opinion - please feel free to differ!

Anyway, here you go:

Make up shopping and the clear nail quandry

Sneaking around a little yesterday was probably a bit bad.  But I really needed to do a little make up shopping without Mrs A knowing.  Going back to my previous blog, I think that it is harder to buy make up than it is to buy clothes to be honest - in terms of the looks you get from other patrons.  But not only am I back on the horse, I’m kinda galloping at the moment really.  So I didn't really care.

The trip wasn’t a general browse, I was on a mission.  Considering it to be a mission actually helps - it brings out the Jane Bond in me :o).  I needed to get three specific things.  Clearly I went home with more, but that’s not the point!   But whole manoeuvre did end up involving two different Boot’s stores to get what I wanted.

So I went off in boy mode.  The first thing to get was the easiest: nail polish remover.  I don’t know about you, but I really hate that smelly bottle liquid stuff.  As well as the horrible smell, clumsy girl me and open liquid bottles don’t mix.  On a recent photo taking session at the lovely Trans-Femme, I managed to spill most of a bottle.  And woah, did it hum.  So I’ve always used Quickies.  They smell really pleasant, don’t seem to dry out for ages and are good at getting off the demon stuff that hides in every nail crevice and hole it can find.   Red is the worst.  Looks fab on, a cow to completely clear so that nosy wives won’t notice.

So I got these in my first Boots.  And you can’t buy just that.  Clearly.  So I also got some new nail polish: ‘Urban Purple’ and Clearly Clear.  More on the clear nail polish later.  I tried to look for the other two things, but no such luck.  Smallish selection in a suburban Boots and slightly intimidating looking shop assistant.   Both succeeded in putting me off.

Instead I decided to head into town to see if I could do any better.  I arrived at the No 7 counter in Boot's and after a wait - I don’t think they realised immediately that I needed help, I was served.  The reason it was easier this time than ever before was that the No 7 counter, now serves men products.  So I was able to surreptitiously inspect those while I waited.  Phew.  Meant I looked all manly and not like some big girl’s blouse.  :o)  Once I did get served, the lady helping me was lovely.  Thumbs up to Boots staff again.

The second thing I needed was new below-eye concealer.  Working too hard has led to ugly dark rings and bags on my eyes and I hate them.  This product seems to work miracles a lot of the time!  Last time I bought No 7 ‘Instant Radiance Concealer’ in Shade 2.  Can I be honest?  I bought it in that shade because I panicked when they asked me what facial complexion it was for.  I lied and made out it was for Mrs A.  Stupid.  She is much paler than me, so it has never quite worked.  This time I fessed up that it was for me.  The nice Boots lady advised me on getting Shade 3 - and she was right.  Works much better.

When I got my photos done earlier in the week - I was really happy with them.  Except for one thing.  My eyebrows.  Compared to the wig colour, I think that they are a touch light.  It bugged me anyway.  So I know you can buy eyebrow pencils, so I took the dilemma to my helpful shop assistant.  Switching on my phone and bringing up a picture from my blog, I showed her and told her that I was trying to match the wig colour.  She didn’t react at all.  But instead surprised me.  She suggested that instead of a pencil (which can sometimes be too harsh apparently) that eye shadow put on with a lip pencil would be a good solution.  I bought it.  Eye shadow in Mocha.  I haven’t tried that one yet, but will let you know how it goes.  Buying two things meant I got to take advantage of a buy two get one free offer.  Yay!  Some new non-clumping mascara got added to the bag.

Then finally, the No 7 counter is next door to the wall of perfume.  I’ve wanted to buy some perfume for a long time.  So I got that too for good measure.  I don’t know about you, but the dilemma I have been considering for sometime was Mrs A smelling perfume on me and whether its impossible to get the smell off.  So I have to own up to some more sneakiness - I bought the same as she uses.  I can claim innocence if it lingers.  Wrong I know.  Again, would be interested in how some of you deal with that issue or whether you just don't bother?

And finally (sorry didn’t mean it to take this long to get to the point).  But my good friend Becca of muttering fame is an advocate of clear nail varnish.  Hence the purchase.  I put some on this morning and she’s right it looks lovely.  But it also still looks a bit too obvious that it is there.  In the little sunshine we have here, it kept glinting and sparkling.  I was wondering if any of you have any experience of wearing this and whether it is as noticeable as I think?  I would like to wear it as an ordinarily done thing, but I don’t want to constantly get called on it.

Phew that was long - sorry!  But hopefully you stuck with me to the end and your advice would be appreciated.  Have a fab day! :o)

Photographic excess

Please forgive my photographic excesses, but new photos, just in...