Less of me has returned than I left with...

The first question, when you have been away from your own blog for an impolite amount of time, I suppose, is where to start?  Looking at my most recent entry, you could be forgiven for wondering if I’d vanished in a blaze of self-recrimination after feeling like I had let my self down.  Actually, it was worse than that, but in a very different way…

Shortly after the last blog, I started to feel unwell.  Really unwell.  Unwell to the point that I could barely eat without feeling lots of pain.  Long story short, it resulted in me ending up in hospital and very quickly needing to adjust to a longish period of recovery following a fairly big operation.  Not a serious, needing organs to be fixed or replaced type of operation, but certainly an open up your abdomen, poke around and repair one!  Everything is all well and good now and I feel better than before, but it made for a mostly difficult Summer.  

This may sound a little macabre, but one of the upsides of being so unwell was that I lost a whole load of weight.  It was great, but when I then started eating again, disappointingly, it all began to pile back on to me.  As you will know from previous blogs, I really struggle with my weight, so that was very disappointing.  But it did inspire me to think about losing it properly.  I know I’ve promised this before, but this time, rather than acting in the rash heat of the moment and failing, I have actually started already.  Joining a local well-known brand of slimming groups, I have begun the process of reducing my size down…again. (Perpetual yo-yo dieter here I’m afraid!)

As you would expect, the group I joined, which is a large one, is primarily populated by female members.  There are a few chaps, but not many.  I find fitting in quite hard: as usual, I don’t feel part of either gender’s group.  I’m not (outwardly) a girl and I certainly find it hard to connect to the men.  

I had a major overwhelm of dysphoria at one point in my first meeting.  As is customary, you are asked to identify a target to aim for and instead of what I was expected to say (i.e. losing a million pounds), I nearly said I wanted to be a size 14.  Good sense kicked in and I realised that I’m not supposed to say that, so a target weight came out of my mouth instead.  But inwardly I felt so frustrated.  Why, for once, can’t I just live how I want to live and say it how it is and how I want it to be - I really really need to get this sorted out.

Anyway, to the group - I’m finding the purpose of the group meeting difficult: it is driven by almost a name and shame approach — or name and praise if weight has been lost.  But most people there seem to be comfortable.  As someone of my rotund proportions would expect, the weight is coming off well to start with — it’ll be interesting in a few months when it completely slows down to see how motivated I am at that point.  But for now, at 1 stone (14lbs, 6.35kg) lighter than I was, I’m feeling more comfortable already and more importantly am gearing up to sign up to some gym membership.  Fitness is as important to me as weight loss.

Other things are going on which I will report on later, but that will do for now except to say that during my period of unwellness, time as Rhiannon was rendered virtually impossible due to incapacitation and pain.  But things have resumed and now, for the first time in many months, my heart is singing again.

The cock crowed three times…

Have you had had the experience where you were put on the spot, backed into a corner almost, where the only two options were to either tell someone that you are trans or lie and deny it?

The first time it happened to me was several years ago when I started to come out.  I was building up to tell one of my friends, and did the whole, “I’ve got something to tell you…” bit.  They just looked at me and said, “you are trans aren’t you?”  Filled with surprise, I caved at that point and just agreed.  It was ahead of when I wanted to say it, but I did want to say it, so I did.  I was ready.

Last night a similar opportunity arose and god, did I crash and burn.  I was invited - and went - to the birthday party of a full time transwoman friend called J.  She is completely lovely and kind and it was so nice of her to include me in her celebration.  I drove over in male mode, for a range of reasons, and when I arrived, the party was in full swing.  A number of her friends were there, none of whom I’d met before and none, I assume, knew about my trans status.  Clearly some people there were from the LGBT community, together with others who either weren’t LGBT, or were very stealthy.   

My pain commenced almost immediately.  I started talking to a nice chap who was very much larger than life and almost his opening line was, “how do you know J?”  Gulp.  I know, in hindsight, that I should have considered how I wanted to respond to that question, but honestly, I hadn’t.  I went red and a million thoughts went through my head, each one of them screaming, “don’t say it,” “what will they think,” “you never tell people about this in an unplanned way,” “he’s a complete stranger, what are you thinking”, “give the safe answer”.  

So instead of thinking clearly, opening up, telling the truth and just being very cool and relaxed about it.  I crashed and burned.  I said, “Oh, we haven’t known each other long, we met on line. She’s just fab isn’t she,” and indicated that I was ready to move on.  As the cock crowed for the first time, fortunately the guy loved the sound of his own voice and he moved on.  And an inward part of me hated myself for denying who I am. 

Later on I was talking to another chap who was also lovely - we’d been having a really interesting conversation on a very blokey topic (house building) and we were regaling each other with mutual experiences.  I’d (not deliberately, I think) been talking about my kids and wife and sounding like a very normal, sane, family man respectable type.  As you do with strangers at parties.  As you might expect, in a lull in the conversation, my heart sank as he asked the same question, “how do know J?”  I tried the same line again.  He looked confused, but was about to accept the answer, I could hear the cock crowing again in the background, when things turned for the worse.  J joined the conversation and he asked her the question instead.  She looked at me in a “how do you want to answer this” kind of way.  So I quickly repeated my previous line, brightly and with enthusiasm, “I was just telling him, we haven’t known each other long have we J?  We met on line. You are just fab aren’t you?  So many varied interests, we just hit it off.”

Sensing a healthy dose of BS, he got more specific: “where abouts on-line?" he asked, "what?  A mutual interest site?”  I knew the game was up.  I looked pleadingly at J, not knowing how to handle this at all.  She said, “Its an LGBT support forum.  Isn’t it great at the party tonight, we definitely have some L’s, a few G’s, at least one B and some Ts.”  He nodded, we moved on and the cock crowed for the third time.  

My sage and wise adviser and gay friend has been a fantastic help today and has just messaged to instruct me not to beat myself up over it, because honestly, I am.  He rightly says that it comes from the 'fight or flight' instinct and that even he has denied being gay at times.  I just need to get better at knowing how to answer that question.  It's going to happen a lot more.  If I’d been in my armour of my dress, make up and wig, I think it would have been easier.  Partly because they wouldn’t have needed to ask, but also because I am ready to answer in that mode.  The thing that's sad is that I am not ashamed of being trans, but I made myself feel like I am, whereas I was actually just frightened.  But the horrible thing was that I felt like I put J in an uncomfortable position and it was almost like I was denying her at the same time and I don’t like that about myself. 

Its amazing how much time you spend with yourself and yet, you still learn more that you didn’t know. 

There and Back Again…

Sorry, another 2 month pause.  I really must stop doing that.  I have been so busy and together with having to create a lot of content for my blog at work (I know, such a blog harlot), I’ve been creatively exhausted.  Sounds a bit too grand really.  But I’ve been hanging around and reading lots of other blogs and commenting.  Lynn over at YATGB is just producing some amazing content at the moment which I’ve been really enjoying.

In general, I’ve continued to spend time presenting as me.  I’ve been out a few times - one included going for a meal in a local restaurant with a friend who is completely lovely and encouraging.  I wore one of my new tops from this blog - the lacy armed one.  Many days as Rhiannon at work, including one little afternoon soiree (can a soiree be any other time than the evening?) which was very pleasant.  Continuing my regime of waxing and attempting to start to diet and failing.  Generally happy in a devastated-and-traumatised-to-spend-a-moment-longer-presenting-male kind of way.

So not much new to tell really from the last couple of months, just two little stories to whet the appetite:

1.
I said in my last blog that I was going to visit Dr Curtis to start the medical process towards transition.  It was an interesting meeting, I’m not sure I enjoyed it as I felt very nervous. Dates and the order of my journey so far just flew out of my head and I felt that I gave a very muddled account of myself.  In fact, when I got the report I didn’t open it for several weeks as I was sure it would be a label of ‘deluded bloke’ rather than ‘gender dysphoric transwoman’.  But eventually I womaned up and opened it.  The first thing that struck me: I’d forgotten that a copy was being sent to my GP!  Ohmygoodness.  Well, if they were ignoring it before, they can’t now.

But the verdict? Several things: first, it was a gender dysphoric diagnosis (phew), second, it was a view that I can’t move forward medically without major weight-loss (which I suspected), third, I need to stop my habit of using alcohol to cope with my feelings of gender dysphoria and fourth and final, I need to get some counselling.  Fortunately, the counselling can happen locally to where I live, so I’ve started that process off and hopefully the actual meetings will start soon.  The weight loss is more challenging.  Great gusto for several weeks and then falling off a cliff.  Very little exercise too.  I’m a very busy and active woman with lots going on in her life, I just prefer to do it all sat down.

2.
I had a wobble.  Cheeky, that doesn’t relate to my weight loss problem.  But I did.  I was booked to go out for dinner with a friend to a small town in the South of England.  I’m getting used to going out in cities, but there is something slightly more exposing about going out in a small town. The thought of it made me feel very vulnerable and honestly, a little frightened.  I know that if I’m to go full time, these are challenges that I need to overcome.  Fortunately on that night, I ran a little late in getting to the town and so I didn’t have enough time to get changed etc.  I wonder whether I would have taken the plunge if I did have the time.  I’m going back there sometime, so I guess we’ll find out one day… anyway, my friend was brilliant, I had a great night and the food was fab.  So all good.

I do have some more ideas for some blogs, so I won't leave it long before the next one.  Thank you for reading :o) xxx

Start, stop, start…

Two weeks ago, I had a blissful 24 hours in Rhiannon mode.  I really should do that more often.  How about all the time? :o)  As I said in my last blog, I had, the night before this 24 hours started, spent a fantastic evening with one of my very good friends, A2.  She really is a clever, amazing, accepting, beautiful and awesome lady.  Our conversations went late into the night and were wide ranging, honest, open and very frank.  I feel very lucky to have friends I can talk in that way when needed.  Given that this was all accompanied by some nice wine and Thai food to die for, it was a great evening.  Just a shame it was in boy mode.  Presenting as me would have been a very nice cherry on the cake.

After a good sleep in my favourite pyjamas, I woke up at A2’s house and set about getting made up and dressed.  A2 has seen lots of photos, but never met me as Rhiannon, despite our 15 year friendship, so this was an amazing moment for me, but also a little scary.  As expected, she was lovely and it was very easy.  After some very nice compliments, we both had work to do, so we got on with it.  Settling down at our respective laptops, we bashed out the rest of the morning.  At one point, I asked, “Does this feel weird for you?”  Her response was that it felt more normal than if I’d been presenting male because its actually me.  I need more time with her for sure!  In fact, she has agreed to cook me her signature dish in April, so another Rhiannon evening to be had with her which I am looking forward to a lot.

But all things must come to a end and I needed to leave around lunch time.  I had plans in the afternoon for coffee which came to naught, so I just drove down South ready for dinner with B and K.  Half way down, I realised that I was going to turn up empty handed.  I wanted to buy some Prosecco to take with me, so I stopped off for a quick shop in M&S.  Apart from a few stares, it was very uneventful.  I’m starting to think the stares are just because I’m beautiful rather than for any other reason.  :o)

Then I headed off.  Quick change of top, perfume spritz, new shoes on and I was ready to go to see B and K.  This time, we were at B’s house.  I have mentioned BK before here.  You couldn’t meet two more lovely, kind friends.  B had arranged with her husband for him to be out for the night, but I arrived before he left.  She had brought him up to speed on my situation a couple of weeks ago and I just found him to be amazing.  He was respectful, kind, interesting and accepting.  In fact, I said to B later about how lucky she was - men like that are definite keepers.  I’ve met him once or twice before, but if all men were like him, being trans would be a complete breeze.

B then proceeded to spend the evening completely excelling herself, cordon-bleu style.  After the opening nibbles of designer bread, oil, artichoke hearts, olives and sun-dried tomatoes, she had cooked butternut squash soup.  Both delicious but topped off by home-made meatballs in tomato sauce with tagliatelle.  And if that wasn’t enough, dessert was panna cotta with a summer berry jus and home made bailey’s ice-cream.  I’m surprised that my new top still fitted me afterwards.  Accompany that with just normal, nice conversations about holidays, work, boyfriends, new pets (for K) etc and it was just the kind of night I’ve always dreamt of enjoying.  Feeling very normal and just chatting with the girls.  It felt like that night was a precious gift from B and K.  They don't think they have done anything special, but they have done more than they can imagine.

The title of this blog began ‘start, stop’ because since then, I’ve gone from spending 2-3 days per week in Rhiannon mode and going out at least once a week since New Year, to nothing.  Things have been so busy and I’ve been away a lot, so I’ve not been able to do anything at all.  Its interesting because as a result, all of the sadness, feeling down, lethargy etc has all returned and I’ve been feeling very sad inside again.  Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had some highs, including going to Kinky Boots The Musical in London this week.  Now that deserves its own blog!  But I've not felt right again.

So, *drum roll*, all of that has brought me to a fairly dramatic conclusion.  It has made me realise that I need to present as me more and more and that putting it off, resisting and hiding it, just isn’t going to work at all.  It just leads me to a very unhappy place.  My conclusion is that I need to transition if I possibly can.  This won’t be an overnight thing, there is a lot to do, but I need to start getting ready so that over the next year or two, I’m ready to go.   I mentioned a year ago, in this blog, that I went to the Doctors to tell them I was trans and that it wasn’t the best experience ever.  So this time, at least to start with, I’m going to go private.  I’ve got an appointment booked with Dr Curtis' practice in London and I’m nervously awaiting trying to move my life forward.  I know this sounds like a big step, but honestly, its been building for a long time and I just have to take action before I lose myself.

Problematic Wardrobe Gaps

The other day, I had the chance to go out for evening dinner with a male friend.  Given my current resolve to go out as often as possible as Rhiannon, I jumped at the chance.  As you do, I spent quite a lot of time considering what I should wear.  But what I discovered was - and apologies because it also could sound incredibly stereotypical - I really didn’t have anything to wear.

I realised that I have been presenting as Rhiannon in certain situations at certain times of the day and that my wardrobe has grown up around those requirements.  I go out a lot during the day for lunch to restaurants and for shopping trips, so I had lots of day clothes that I could wear, but they aren’t really evening-smart.  Also that there are some types of clothes that I particularly like, so have lots of those.  These are namely, nice evening dresses, but most of them are not appropriate for a night out with someone in jeans and I didn’t want to mismatch.

My friends A1 and S were very helpful in helping me to think it through.  Together, we decided on my purple chiffon-y dress with tights, some less smart heels and muted accessories.  One of my favourite pieces of advice from Sun Tzu's "The Art of War" (I know!) is that, "no plan stands contact with the enemy."  That night it proved to be true.  When my friend arrived, he was in jeans and a jacket and I felt incredibly overdressed and thought that we were wearing considerably different levels of formality.  I would have struggled to relax and enjoy myself.  Out came my nice day top, jeans and flats and I felt a little underdressed compared to the other girls who were out, but it worked a little better.

My realisation was that most women would probably not have this challenge because going out for early evening dinner is something that they would do regularly and  so would have appropriate clothes.  Often when, “I’ve got nothing to wear,” is heard, it is because it is a new and/or important situation rather than being something they regularly do.  I looked desperately on-line in the couple of days leading up to dinner because I suspected that this might be a problem, but to no avail.  So, I decided that I need to be ready for the future.  So since the meal, I have been hunting for dressy evening tops and a nice, but less formal dress for the next time that happens :o)  The results are here:

     

Last Friday, I got the chance to try out one of the tops when I spent the evening with B and K from my previous blog.  In fact I spent the whole day as Rhiannon (not in a dressy top!) and introduced myself as myself for the first time to my friend A2.  It was a great day, but needs another blog post to do it justice, so I’ll work on that one as soon as I have a moment.  My friends are being fantastic and really are helping my to get out more. :o)

Finally, I have also realised that v-neck tops are very flattering to me and work for my shape.  Rounded neck tops are lovely, but they do make me feel a little wider.  So (too much shopping), I bought two new ones of those too.  They look great on - in fact, this is one of them.

Shopping for 'Curves' (Part 1)

For a while now, I have wanted to write a blog on plus sized clothing for transgender ladies.  Clearly, there a lot of transwomen who are very slim and fit into the normal sized clothes range.  Over the last few years I have continuously grown and so that is not an option for now, so I had to learn how to buy and put together nice outfits despite only being able to buy larger items.  At the moment, I’m a size 26 on top, 22 on bottom and I have size 10EEE feet and am 5'11.

Whilst that may seem large - and I am dieting (she guiltily quickly says), I am learning to try to be proud of just being me.  I have to say that I’ve been absolutely inspired by the growth in the number of blogs by natal women on body confidence for larger ladies.  Women who are leading the way in saying that they are proud of their bodies and are no longer succumbing to societal peer pressure to conform.  It is about them loving who they are, irrespective of size and shape.  My two favourites are Callie’s From the Corner of the Curve and Georgina’s Fuller Figure Fuller Bust.  They are both amazing women and I have taken their advice on a number of occasions.

Though I am writing this post, I’m don't think of myself as an expert, more a curious student.  Despite my size, many of my female acquaintances compliment me on how I dress.  I know women do that anyway, often they pick out a particular item that another women is wearing and highlight how much they like it.   The two comments I most commonly get are focused on my jewellery and the overall co-ordination of what I am wearing and how well it is put together.   Given my low self-esteem, in my head, I always add, ‘for a man in dress’, but it really is kind of them all the same.

This subject will, out of necessity, run into a few posts, but I wanted to start with the principles that I apply when I am deciding what to buy in particular, but also what to wear.  I wanted to share these with you in the hope that they help.  My aim for my 'look' is to stand out with some individuality, but to blend into what 'normal' clothes most of the women I’m trying to mingle with are wearing.  I don’t pass (not to say I won’t at some point) but I want to try to look nice, smell nice and to not give any obvious reasons for incongruence.  So I:

Dress for my age 
I’m 41.  There I said it.  Dressing like a teenage is no longer an option!  When I first started properly dressing, clearly my denim miniskirt and low cut pink gypsy top were ideal, but I would have been spotted (putting it politely) a mile off.  Particularly with my first ever shoe purchase: patent leather baby pink platforms with a 7-inch heel!  What was I thinking!?  These days, I spend a lot of time looking for other women in the their early 40s to try to see what they are wearing and to wear similar.   One of my favourite outfits, you have seen before is my butterfly top - it is a see through chiffon gauzy material that I wear with a cream cami-top and often a blue cardigan.  I get really nice feedback on it.  The point is that when I go out for dinner, I see a lot of women wearing similar tops - especially a couple of years ago when it was all the rage!

Consider proportions
One of the things that most hit me when talking to one of my loveliest friends who knows a huge amount about personal image was proportions.  When you are larger, you need to adjust the proportions of your clothes and accessories accordingly.   If you think about it, handbags and accessories are designed for women who are often smaller and slimmer.  If you carry a little bag around, it is very noticeable.  When I buy bags for everyday use, I tend now to buy from the tote or shopper range because they are larger. When people see me with my bag, it doesn’t look out of place at all because it is proportionate to me.  For nights out, I bought an oversized clutch - fortunately there was a trend of them a couple of years ago.  The bag looks normal in proportion to me.  I do the same for my jewellery - if I can, I buy big necklaces and bracelets which lessen the effect of my chunky hands, arms and neck.

Co-ordinate colours and jewellery
One of the reasons, I think they say that I am ‘well put together’ is because I am very careful to co-ordinate the colours and styles in my outfits.  Given I’m colour-blind, I’m surprised that I get away with it. :o)   I can never tell if its something I do naturally, but I try to keep colours together - so blue and black, green and brown, pink and red etc.  I also live for my dark jeans as they help co-ordinate colours and lots of black shoes and boots.  I try not to have too many clashing colours although I noticed that this will be one of the Summer trends this year.   Early on, I decided not to buy expensive jewellery and instead to buy lots of it in many different colours so that I have a match for virtually every outfit.  Some would consider my dress sense very safe, but the jewellery is often my statement.  One of my friends bought me an amazing necklace that has become one of my go to items.   I also try to match as much as possible.  Typically I wear black shoes (loving my flat ballet pumps at the moment) but I try to match the colour of my shoes to my bag or top if I possibly can.  I know that is also standard advice given to women!

Find the colours that are my friend
They say blue for a boy and pink for a girl.  I do wear pink sometimes, but actually blue is much more friendly to my skin tone and my blue eyes.   So I try to wear some blue in a lot of my outfits.  It helps my face and make up to look nice and not too washed out.  My recent outfit purchase in blue is much better for me than the one in pink that I got.  Pink works for me if I can find exactly the right shade.  I’m no expert, but I really think it is worth getting someone to advise on what colours suit you, it makes a huge difference to your confidence. :o)


Play to your assets 
I’m definitely not one of the strikingly beautiful ladies who were born that way.  So I try to play to my three best assets.  1. I’m fortunate to have soft features on my face and my wig was chosen specifically to soften and frame my face even further.  2. My legs from just above the knee downwards are quite feminine. The photo to the side gets me lots of compliments accordingly. I choose dresses that fall to just the right place if possible.  3.  Due to my weight, I have a natural b-cup breast/moob which really helps me to pull off some great cleavage.  Recently, I’ve discovered the advantages of v-necked tops and how much they help me!  Its really helpful to work out what are your best bits and how can you co-ordinate your clothes around it.   Seems to help me anyway!

Sorry, that ended up being quite long, but I hope was helpful.  I’m much better at drivelling on about how sad or happy I am than writing useful blogs, but its a start I guess… next time, I'm planning to write a little about where I go to buy my clothes as there are definitely some great places out there.

Selfie February

Morning.  Please forgive the quality of my selfies - first two on computer and third on my phone. Clearly I need some work on both my selfie technique (the lighting in particular) - and on me!  (And that isn't fishing for compliments - its selfie self feedback!).  But just felt pretty in pink this morning, so thought I'd post.  Please be gentle!  :o) xxx