Sometimes, I’m just confused by my other half. She’ll divorce me if she found out that I’m continuing with any vestige of my female life. But then she asks me a question that relies on my knowledge of the female arts to help me answer.
We were watching the news and there was a lady who was being interviewed on an ad hoc basis about some serious expert scientific content and, into the mix, who’s make up could have been better. I was listening to what she was saying and she was really interesting. But before I considered what I was doing, I impulsively commented that, “Her make up doesn’t really seem to work very well for her.” I’m not presenting myself as an expert, nor was I trying to be mean at all, but there were a few problems with it. Mrs A, instead of sneering as I expected, or providing an ominous silence, asked me what I thought the problem was.
Not that I have been a close observer of make up for very long time (ok, maybe I have) or that I am opinionated (ok, maybe a little) but immediately, I gave a thorough analysis. Her foundation needed to be slightly heavier and applied more thoroughly, some extra concealer was needed as she had dark rings under her eyes and some spots that needed covering. She also had a colour of lipstick usually reserved for a party nights together with the shiniest lip gloss I’ve seen for a while. It was just incongruent with what she was talking about. She had a nice face and a couple of changes could have made a big difference.
Anyway, that aside, Mrs A responded with, “Oh” and then said no more. I have to own up to being slightly gutted. I'm not sure why, but I thought, “why did you bother asking.” Unwittingly - again - I have shown a level knowledge she thinks I shouldn’t have, on a subject about which a ‘man’ should just be ignorant. I felt guilty for knowing these things. Again. Can I go back an hour and press the 'undo' button please?
Thursday, 13 November 2014
Friday, 17 October 2014
A night of Rhiannon...
Last night, I decided that a Rhiannon night was in order. It was only in a hotel, only on my own, but it felt great. I know I shouldn't have, but I did and whilst these are definitely not my finest selfies, I enjoyed and I think you can tell I was happy and content (oh, and yes, new hair!)...
Sunday, 12 October 2014
Courage and relationships
Its been a month and I’m sorry for the delay. Last time I blogged, I was in a very sad place. There was a lot going on that made me feel helplessly distraught. You might have noticed if you read it. I'm also sorry for not responding to the comments - you can't begin to imagine how much they are appreciated. Particularly when I was feeling as low as I was at the time.
I'm finding that the longer I go without Rhiannon in my life as an integral part, the harder things get. Firstly, the dysphoric feeling grows and I feel increasingly out of place and wrong in my own skin. Secondly that my confidence about my presentation ebbs from me. There is something about the dynamic of frequent presentation as Rhiannon that helps me grow more into it, to push it further and that makes me happier and more assured. Having dressed only twice in the last 10 months (I have no idea how I managed that), I am scared of stepping outside my door again. I am back into the frame of mind that says, when I go out, that I look like a man in a dress. I can go out, but I don’t think I fool anyway.
Another very lovely local lady who lives within 10 minutes of me and I had planned a trip out for lunch. Other things came up for me that meant that I had to do something else. But also part of me wonders whether I would have had the strength to do it anyway? In a weird co-incidence, I went, with my kids, to get haircuts done yesterday morning. Weirdly, the chef at the place we had planned to go to was in having a haircut. I’ve always been careful about mixing up Rhiannon life and guy life, but that was a bit close for comfort. Do I think for a moment I’d have seen him if I’d have gone to the restaurant? Given that I look very different when I’m Rhiannon, would he have spotted me and put it all together? Never. But when you have the wrong frame of mind, you can’t help but wonder can you?
Previously, I did various things to get back on the horse and maybe I need to do them again. Having been ‘discovered’ by my wife on my first occasion of dressing this year so quickly, the guilt of doing what I was trying not to do was overwhelming. Maybe getting back to the basics would help?
On a separate note, one of the things that struck me in the comments on my last blog was the comments about my wife and how this impacts on her. I wanted to address that because I think that unless you read back into my previous (nearly 100) blogs, you probably aren’t aware of the situation. I have some new readers I think.
My wife and I have been married for nearly 20 years. I told her about Rhiannon before we married. Her belief (and mine at the time) - I was 21 - was that this would go away. We felt that we were safe to get married because once we got settled into our relationship, it would be a thing of the past. Naive, I know now, but I didn’t know back then. At varying times through our relationship the subject has come back up and she is incredibly unhappy that I have chosen to see this as part of my life and to allow it to continue. You might dislike her for that view, but it is consistent with her strong Christian belief structure. She has in fairness to her, never wavered from it. I think that if she was dealing with another trans person, she would have all the compassion in the world, but not with her ‘man’. In fact over the years she has become more anti-Rhiannon. To the point where she and I have separated twice. The last occasion was for about 8 months. She is less bothered about the dressing in reality and more unhappy that I think of myself as a women and that I give myself another name. She feels that I am saying that God made a mistake by making me a man. She’s right, that’s exactly how I feel. We tenuously got back together, on my part because I couldn’t bear to not see my kids whenever I wanted, every day if possible. I missed seeing them wake up happy because their ‘nuclear undivorced family’ world was intact.
The recommendation in various comments have implied that I should stop withholding the fact that I feel like this again from her. Those of you who know me personally know that I feel an incredible amount of guilt for lying in this way. But also know that if I decide to go back to Rhiannon more regularly and to make it part of my life, that divorce will inevitably, definitely and completely ensue. Conversation has been had over 20 years and I’m left in no doubt whatsoever of my position. There is little point talking with her other than to say how wonderful my life is without Rhiannon. There is certainly no compromise or possibility for understanding. My options are stop or hide it and stay married with my kids. Or to continue and break up forever with no possibility of getting back together. Therein lies the root of my sadness. I can have a relationship that I’ve held onto for 20 years or Rhiannon. But not both.
To be honest, I’ve never really worked out where to go from there. I want Rhiannon desperately, but I don’t want to break up my kid's home to get what I want. Other friends counsel me to wait until the kids leave home and then leave my wife. I feel cruel doing that - at least if I broke it up now my wife would have some years to find someone else - and I might too. If I wait 10 years, it will probably be harder to do. I know that many reading this have made this sacrifice to be the women they were born to be. I'm probably just weak, but I'm still holding on for dear life.
I'm finding that the longer I go without Rhiannon in my life as an integral part, the harder things get. Firstly, the dysphoric feeling grows and I feel increasingly out of place and wrong in my own skin. Secondly that my confidence about my presentation ebbs from me. There is something about the dynamic of frequent presentation as Rhiannon that helps me grow more into it, to push it further and that makes me happier and more assured. Having dressed only twice in the last 10 months (I have no idea how I managed that), I am scared of stepping outside my door again. I am back into the frame of mind that says, when I go out, that I look like a man in a dress. I can go out, but I don’t think I fool anyway.
Another very lovely local lady who lives within 10 minutes of me and I had planned a trip out for lunch. Other things came up for me that meant that I had to do something else. But also part of me wonders whether I would have had the strength to do it anyway? In a weird co-incidence, I went, with my kids, to get haircuts done yesterday morning. Weirdly, the chef at the place we had planned to go to was in having a haircut. I’ve always been careful about mixing up Rhiannon life and guy life, but that was a bit close for comfort. Do I think for a moment I’d have seen him if I’d have gone to the restaurant? Given that I look very different when I’m Rhiannon, would he have spotted me and put it all together? Never. But when you have the wrong frame of mind, you can’t help but wonder can you?
Previously, I did various things to get back on the horse and maybe I need to do them again. Having been ‘discovered’ by my wife on my first occasion of dressing this year so quickly, the guilt of doing what I was trying not to do was overwhelming. Maybe getting back to the basics would help?
On a separate note, one of the things that struck me in the comments on my last blog was the comments about my wife and how this impacts on her. I wanted to address that because I think that unless you read back into my previous (nearly 100) blogs, you probably aren’t aware of the situation. I have some new readers I think.
My wife and I have been married for nearly 20 years. I told her about Rhiannon before we married. Her belief (and mine at the time) - I was 21 - was that this would go away. We felt that we were safe to get married because once we got settled into our relationship, it would be a thing of the past. Naive, I know now, but I didn’t know back then. At varying times through our relationship the subject has come back up and she is incredibly unhappy that I have chosen to see this as part of my life and to allow it to continue. You might dislike her for that view, but it is consistent with her strong Christian belief structure. She has in fairness to her, never wavered from it. I think that if she was dealing with another trans person, she would have all the compassion in the world, but not with her ‘man’. In fact over the years she has become more anti-Rhiannon. To the point where she and I have separated twice. The last occasion was for about 8 months. She is less bothered about the dressing in reality and more unhappy that I think of myself as a women and that I give myself another name. She feels that I am saying that God made a mistake by making me a man. She’s right, that’s exactly how I feel. We tenuously got back together, on my part because I couldn’t bear to not see my kids whenever I wanted, every day if possible. I missed seeing them wake up happy because their ‘nuclear undivorced family’ world was intact.
The recommendation in various comments have implied that I should stop withholding the fact that I feel like this again from her. Those of you who know me personally know that I feel an incredible amount of guilt for lying in this way. But also know that if I decide to go back to Rhiannon more regularly and to make it part of my life, that divorce will inevitably, definitely and completely ensue. Conversation has been had over 20 years and I’m left in no doubt whatsoever of my position. There is little point talking with her other than to say how wonderful my life is without Rhiannon. There is certainly no compromise or possibility for understanding. My options are stop or hide it and stay married with my kids. Or to continue and break up forever with no possibility of getting back together. Therein lies the root of my sadness. I can have a relationship that I’ve held onto for 20 years or Rhiannon. But not both.
To be honest, I’ve never really worked out where to go from there. I want Rhiannon desperately, but I don’t want to break up my kid's home to get what I want. Other friends counsel me to wait until the kids leave home and then leave my wife. I feel cruel doing that - at least if I broke it up now my wife would have some years to find someone else - and I might too. If I wait 10 years, it will probably be harder to do. I know that many reading this have made this sacrifice to be the women they were born to be. I'm probably just weak, but I'm still holding on for dear life.
Thursday, 11 September 2014
Very sad really :o(
Do you ever get those moments when you are just inconsolably sad? I just want to escape from myself, but there is no way that I can that I would do. I know that it has been building in me for a while and it creates a feeling of overwhelming need just to withdraw from everything. I just feel like I could burst into tears at any point. The happy outward exterior that I put across is sometimes just too difficult to maintain. I want to laugh loudly. I want to feel at peace. But I just can’t find it.
I’ve always said that I write this blog as my own catharsis - and its true. Today I need it more than I ever have before. I feel like I’m letting people down all over the place and its one of the things that triggers my sadness. Especially when I feel that moving to a place of being helpful to people is not possible.
I feel like I’m letting my family and my wife down. I have started allowing myself to be me again. A fantastic and almost euphoric decision. But the first time I spent the day in Rhiannon mode it went horribly wrong. Somehow I managed to get some foundation on the collar of my polo shirt. Arriving home, I hadn’t spotted it and the moment I walked into the kitchen, it was spotted by my wife. It was an inconspicuous brown smear. Small in size. But she went quiet and within hours had told me she was suspicious again. The next day she told me she wanted answers because it even smelt like make up. Which meant she must have even got it out of the laundry hamper and smelt it. Its been frosty since. I was hoping for a couple of months of trying it out to decide what I wanted, but now I feel like a complete bitch for starting again and letting them down. I've had to lie through my teeth to try to get it on an even keel again. Lying makes me hate myself. The positivity I feel from dressing again, from getting a new wig and making some new contacts is being overshadowed and obscured.
I feel like I’m letting work down. Cardinal crime, I went on holiday. But by going on holiday, I didn’t get everything done. I took my laptop on holiday, but somehow just didn’t get everything done I should have. Since coming back its been horrible - trying to catch up on the busyness has been impossible so far and whereas before I was on top and ahead, I’m now behind and worrying. I know that I need some sustained time to get it back, but there is a lot of things that are taking up time in the way.
I feel like I let some people down. This is the worst. Two of the people who are my biggest advocates are also co-workers. They have had a very stressful time of late - taking on new tasks, huge volumes of work and some really difficult things they have never done before. I’m usually the rock who tries to help and to be strong and I’ve not been there. My busyness has got in the way because I should have done more already. I know they are very likely ok with me again, but inside I’m heartbroken because I just feel like I’ve let them down completely, not been there for them and they both reach their own very low positions as a result. They have both had very difficult conversations with me or gave me very difficult messages that were hard to hear about how they were feeling. Particular when I'm part of the problem. The positivity I had managed to get back just crumbled. It feels like its my fault, I should somehow have found a way of stepping in or of having an answer, but I didn’t. And I feel like I’ve eroded some great relationships. Just small chips off perhaps, but trust is easily lost and difficult to win back.
Inside I just feel lost again and I don’t really know what to do with myself. Blogging today helped? Maybe a little. But I find it hard to claw my way back from low points. I know I’ll get there, but at the moment, I feel very sad. I’m so sorry that I lay it on the line to you here and that I'm being so down and dismal - I feel very vulnerable writing this, but I need to vocalise my feelings, even if just to myself.
15:12 - I’ve just read myself back and I know it all sounds trite, like I’m blowing it up in my own mind. Like I’m making a big deal of small things and I’m sorry. There are loads of other issues linked to these, which I’ve not really shared on here so far that are just compounding my declining feelings. I’m hate posting blogs like this and I’m not even sure this will survive the day, but I just needed to get it out. I really do appreciate you reading and understand that these things are not earth shattering really. Just are important to me…
I’ve always said that I write this blog as my own catharsis - and its true. Today I need it more than I ever have before. I feel like I’m letting people down all over the place and its one of the things that triggers my sadness. Especially when I feel that moving to a place of being helpful to people is not possible.
I feel like I’m letting my family and my wife down. I have started allowing myself to be me again. A fantastic and almost euphoric decision. But the first time I spent the day in Rhiannon mode it went horribly wrong. Somehow I managed to get some foundation on the collar of my polo shirt. Arriving home, I hadn’t spotted it and the moment I walked into the kitchen, it was spotted by my wife. It was an inconspicuous brown smear. Small in size. But she went quiet and within hours had told me she was suspicious again. The next day she told me she wanted answers because it even smelt like make up. Which meant she must have even got it out of the laundry hamper and smelt it. Its been frosty since. I was hoping for a couple of months of trying it out to decide what I wanted, but now I feel like a complete bitch for starting again and letting them down. I've had to lie through my teeth to try to get it on an even keel again. Lying makes me hate myself. The positivity I feel from dressing again, from getting a new wig and making some new contacts is being overshadowed and obscured.
I feel like I’m letting work down. Cardinal crime, I went on holiday. But by going on holiday, I didn’t get everything done. I took my laptop on holiday, but somehow just didn’t get everything done I should have. Since coming back its been horrible - trying to catch up on the busyness has been impossible so far and whereas before I was on top and ahead, I’m now behind and worrying. I know that I need some sustained time to get it back, but there is a lot of things that are taking up time in the way.
I feel like I let some people down. This is the worst. Two of the people who are my biggest advocates are also co-workers. They have had a very stressful time of late - taking on new tasks, huge volumes of work and some really difficult things they have never done before. I’m usually the rock who tries to help and to be strong and I’ve not been there. My busyness has got in the way because I should have done more already. I know they are very likely ok with me again, but inside I’m heartbroken because I just feel like I’ve let them down completely, not been there for them and they both reach their own very low positions as a result. They have both had very difficult conversations with me or gave me very difficult messages that were hard to hear about how they were feeling. Particular when I'm part of the problem. The positivity I had managed to get back just crumbled. It feels like its my fault, I should somehow have found a way of stepping in or of having an answer, but I didn’t. And I feel like I’ve eroded some great relationships. Just small chips off perhaps, but trust is easily lost and difficult to win back.
Inside I just feel lost again and I don’t really know what to do with myself. Blogging today helped? Maybe a little. But I find it hard to claw my way back from low points. I know I’ll get there, but at the moment, I feel very sad. I’m so sorry that I lay it on the line to you here and that I'm being so down and dismal - I feel very vulnerable writing this, but I need to vocalise my feelings, even if just to myself.
15:12 - I’ve just read myself back and I know it all sounds trite, like I’m blowing it up in my own mind. Like I’m making a big deal of small things and I’m sorry. There are loads of other issues linked to these, which I’ve not really shared on here so far that are just compounding my declining feelings. I’m hate posting blogs like this and I’m not even sure this will survive the day, but I just needed to get it out. I really do appreciate you reading and understand that these things are not earth shattering really. Just are important to me…
Sunday, 31 August 2014
Getting back on horses
Two weeks of deliberation has got me there, you'll be relieved to know. I want to get back on the horse. The big thing now is trying to figure out the best way to achieve that aim. You might say that it's obvious as to how to do it, but I need to be sure about why I'm getting back on and to make sure I can stay on this time. The last couple of times I have been thrown off. I want to be ready for that sucker.
I have thought about little else of late and the idea of getting to be me again makes me feel an internal relief that I can't even begin to describe. There is a relaxation and assurance that comes with it that is so fantastic.
As I said in my last blog, I still have a number of hang ups, but I think it's important to develop thick skin. I felt overwhelmingly supported by the comments on my last blog. The people who read this and help me are genuinely awesome. They really helped me to look at the problem of my lack of confidence differently. I do just need to get used to the fact that people stare anyway at people whether they are trans or not. It's no different and that even if it is, does it matter anyway? I need to stop being ashamed of being me.
I've also been bad. I know I said I wouldn't dive in and do loads of shopping, but I have done a little and am a dress and two pairs of shoes better off. I love shoes so much. I saw a pair of ankle boots I liked. I've always wanted some, so they were a yes immediately. The other pair of shoes match the dress. Of course. You can't buy a dress without shoes, surely? Based on a recommendation from another blog, I have also set up an appointment to get a new wig. I've always struggled to get this right, so it'll be great to buy it from a professional and to have it cut to shape.
Beyond that, I'm starting to think about plans for trips out and Rhi time. Things are in the offing with not much confirmed yet. But that will change and I'll keep you up to date in terms of progress.
I guess the biggest thing is that now I'm back off holiday, I'm tackling the weight issue with a vengeance. I know I've said it before, but I have improved appearance to strive for, a small operation to go through and I want to improve my healthiness and fitness. You know, just in case things move forward.
Thank you so much for your continued readership. It's been a tough year and I'm sure there are horrible times ahead, but I think I'm taking the right decision for me for once. I think that equally its exciting...
I have thought about little else of late and the idea of getting to be me again makes me feel an internal relief that I can't even begin to describe. There is a relaxation and assurance that comes with it that is so fantastic.
As I said in my last blog, I still have a number of hang ups, but I think it's important to develop thick skin. I felt overwhelmingly supported by the comments on my last blog. The people who read this and help me are genuinely awesome. They really helped me to look at the problem of my lack of confidence differently. I do just need to get used to the fact that people stare anyway at people whether they are trans or not. It's no different and that even if it is, does it matter anyway? I need to stop being ashamed of being me.
I've also been bad. I know I said I wouldn't dive in and do loads of shopping, but I have done a little and am a dress and two pairs of shoes better off. I love shoes so much. I saw a pair of ankle boots I liked. I've always wanted some, so they were a yes immediately. The other pair of shoes match the dress. Of course. You can't buy a dress without shoes, surely? Based on a recommendation from another blog, I have also set up an appointment to get a new wig. I've always struggled to get this right, so it'll be great to buy it from a professional and to have it cut to shape.
Beyond that, I'm starting to think about plans for trips out and Rhi time. Things are in the offing with not much confirmed yet. But that will change and I'll keep you up to date in terms of progress.
I guess the biggest thing is that now I'm back off holiday, I'm tackling the weight issue with a vengeance. I know I've said it before, but I have improved appearance to strive for, a small operation to go through and I want to improve my healthiness and fitness. You know, just in case things move forward.
Thank you so much for your continued readership. It's been a tough year and I'm sure there are horrible times ahead, but I think I'm taking the right decision for me for once. I think that equally its exciting...
Saturday, 23 August 2014
Judge, jury and executioner
Following my last blog, this will be of no surprise to you. I’m grappling with the idea that I might need to just re-emerge again after 8 months of hiding away. I guess there are some internal challenges with doing that. Mainly that I have developed some fantastic coping habits relating, for example, to how productive I’m being. I need to find a way to be Rhiannon, holding all the other things in check and maintaining some things I’ve discovered that I love about my core personality.
But there are also some things that I really need to work through. Last time I bounced out from a hiatus, I didn’t really handle it well. I jumped straight back in and to be honest, went a little bit crazy. I spent loads of money on Rhiannon, work took a dip, personal life got short changed. Like Dracula let loose in a blood bank, I greedily went mad for everything girl. I need to learn to integrate a little more this time and to decide how it is going to work.
A key focus is going to have to be to gain clarity about my longer term objectives. Where do I want this to go — is it going to be full or part-time? What are the knock on effects of that decision? Moving forward in anyway, means very likely going back through the horrible loop of potential divorce. So how can I deal with that a little better than I have? Or should I not manage it and hide again: lying and fibbing to maintain my family. That isn’t really me, but its an option that needs consideration. I can't keep going through a boom and bust cycle.
There are also a number of issues around my confidence that I need to address: I need thicker skin. My thinking was pushed forward by April’s fantastic and very honest blog. One of the biggest issues I have is that when I’m out and about, I am ashamed of being Rhiannon. I feel like I’m being judged constantly by everyone I meet, which creates a real insecurity. A stray look can be enough to send me in a spiral. I feel like in the two seconds of someone looking at me, they have spotted from a mile away that I'm trans. My brain then thinks that they have acted as jury, judge and executioner, instantly thinking I’m stupid, ugly, horrible or worse. When an actual judgement happens, the impact is even greater. The waiters at last year’s Christmas party have a lot to answer for as their reaction really got to me. I desperately need to get to get more assured about my appearance. Not that I need to "improve" it, I know it is ok (apart from my weight), but that I need to feel more relaxed and comfortable in my own skin. I have to believe that its ok.
There is a lot to do and to think about, but the journey starts...again. Albeit from a very different place of thinking now. Internally, I’m breathing a sigh of relief though.
But there are also some things that I really need to work through. Last time I bounced out from a hiatus, I didn’t really handle it well. I jumped straight back in and to be honest, went a little bit crazy. I spent loads of money on Rhiannon, work took a dip, personal life got short changed. Like Dracula let loose in a blood bank, I greedily went mad for everything girl. I need to learn to integrate a little more this time and to decide how it is going to work.
A key focus is going to have to be to gain clarity about my longer term objectives. Where do I want this to go — is it going to be full or part-time? What are the knock on effects of that decision? Moving forward in anyway, means very likely going back through the horrible loop of potential divorce. So how can I deal with that a little better than I have? Or should I not manage it and hide again: lying and fibbing to maintain my family. That isn’t really me, but its an option that needs consideration. I can't keep going through a boom and bust cycle.
There are also a number of issues around my confidence that I need to address: I need thicker skin. My thinking was pushed forward by April’s fantastic and very honest blog. One of the biggest issues I have is that when I’m out and about, I am ashamed of being Rhiannon. I feel like I’m being judged constantly by everyone I meet, which creates a real insecurity. A stray look can be enough to send me in a spiral. I feel like in the two seconds of someone looking at me, they have spotted from a mile away that I'm trans. My brain then thinks that they have acted as jury, judge and executioner, instantly thinking I’m stupid, ugly, horrible or worse. When an actual judgement happens, the impact is even greater. The waiters at last year’s Christmas party have a lot to answer for as their reaction really got to me. I desperately need to get to get more assured about my appearance. Not that I need to "improve" it, I know it is ok (apart from my weight), but that I need to feel more relaxed and comfortable in my own skin. I have to believe that its ok.
There is a lot to do and to think about, but the journey starts...again. Albeit from a very different place of thinking now. Internally, I’m breathing a sigh of relief though.
Sunday, 17 August 2014
Can we ever really escape?
Of late, this is the question that I have pondered most. As I commence my annual holiday, it is probably the first time in months that I have had an opportunity to think. The other allied question is do I ever want to escape?
Anyway, by way of update. Things are going ok. Mainly because I have thrown everything: heart, soul, blood, sweat, tears. Literally everything, into my work. Is it any wonder that work is going well? Those of you who have read this blog for some time will know that I use work as a kind of transgender escape tunnel. It pushes girl thoughts from my mind. Not completely. Obviously. Like most of you, approximately every 10 minutes, the pang of desperation to be a girl haunts my mind. The feeling of inadequacy that I'm not female. The constant wish that I was able to be myself. Pervading every thought. But when there is so much work to do, I can mentally push her to one side and robotically get on with the next tick item from my list.
Since I have given up alcohol too: the result of my January illness, none of my "vices" are allowed to flourish. Jill is a very dull girl. When you are trying to escape from the biggest of all "vices" (who you are) and alcohol is not available, where else do you turn? I have never even tried smoking or drugs. Given that I have an addictive personality, I'm not sure either is a good idea. So work it is. To quote Grease's Rizz, "there are worse things I could do." I guess its the way I'm wired. I have to be full on with something all the time.
The outside world is astonished at my increased productivity. My friends see the underbelly. The sinking into regular despair. The inability to reconcile my "new life" with the reality of the old. The desperation to be Rhiannon. The days that work doesn't win and a kind of depression lands bringing the futility of pointless resistance into sharp contrast. The jokey comments about nail polish or nice dresses that aren't really jokey.
Really, despite everything I might think, the success in leaving the girl behind and being a high work achiever is not really a success. There is never ever any escape. And more importantly, I don't want there to be. She needs to rise. The consequences for my marriage and family of allowing that to happen do constantly play on my conscience. But I know that the pull to be myself, to deny her no longer, is stronger. I know it's a matter of when not if. For now the fight, rightly, continues. I win battles, but never the war. Can you ever win a war that deep down you want to lose. Prolonging it for the sake of others is perverse, even if it is the right thing to do. But bit by bit, day by day, losing I am. And I've never been happier (or prouder) of being a complete loser. The woman who is winning is beautiful, kind, loving, fun - and most of all, she deserves her time in the sun.
Anyway, by way of update. Things are going ok. Mainly because I have thrown everything: heart, soul, blood, sweat, tears. Literally everything, into my work. Is it any wonder that work is going well? Those of you who have read this blog for some time will know that I use work as a kind of transgender escape tunnel. It pushes girl thoughts from my mind. Not completely. Obviously. Like most of you, approximately every 10 minutes, the pang of desperation to be a girl haunts my mind. The feeling of inadequacy that I'm not female. The constant wish that I was able to be myself. Pervading every thought. But when there is so much work to do, I can mentally push her to one side and robotically get on with the next tick item from my list.
Since I have given up alcohol too: the result of my January illness, none of my "vices" are allowed to flourish. Jill is a very dull girl. When you are trying to escape from the biggest of all "vices" (who you are) and alcohol is not available, where else do you turn? I have never even tried smoking or drugs. Given that I have an addictive personality, I'm not sure either is a good idea. So work it is. To quote Grease's Rizz, "there are worse things I could do." I guess its the way I'm wired. I have to be full on with something all the time.
The outside world is astonished at my increased productivity. My friends see the underbelly. The sinking into regular despair. The inability to reconcile my "new life" with the reality of the old. The desperation to be Rhiannon. The days that work doesn't win and a kind of depression lands bringing the futility of pointless resistance into sharp contrast. The jokey comments about nail polish or nice dresses that aren't really jokey.
Really, despite everything I might think, the success in leaving the girl behind and being a high work achiever is not really a success. There is never ever any escape. And more importantly, I don't want there to be. She needs to rise. The consequences for my marriage and family of allowing that to happen do constantly play on my conscience. But I know that the pull to be myself, to deny her no longer, is stronger. I know it's a matter of when not if. For now the fight, rightly, continues. I win battles, but never the war. Can you ever win a war that deep down you want to lose. Prolonging it for the sake of others is perverse, even if it is the right thing to do. But bit by bit, day by day, losing I am. And I've never been happier (or prouder) of being a complete loser. The woman who is winning is beautiful, kind, loving, fun - and most of all, she deserves her time in the sun.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)