Two amazing days

Against a really horrible (and getting worse) backdrop, I managed to carve out two Rhiannon only days.  I have had the best two days of my life ever.  Which given my situation, was somewhat surprising.

The opportunity to do this comes based on the decision I took that I'm just going to be brave and not shrink back from going out and about.  Its been in the rumination for a while and a number of you have given me advice and encouragement for this over the past year.  But I finally decided so what if I am fat, so what if I'm tall - I'm going to do it anyway.   i have to be honest, I still struggle with the 'so what if everyone is looking at me' element but I'm starting to win on that one too.  You realise of course they are only looking at me because I'm beautiful  :o)

The adventure started on Tuesday morning.  For various reasons I didn't want to get ready at home.  Not sure it would have gone down that well to be honest.  So I drove into the office, before the working started and got myself ready.  Make up first.  Jeans, green top, light brown cardigan, flats and face the day.  My office is small with only one other person there mainly and other people cycling through.  The other person arrived, looked me over and was happy.  We worked through a busy morning of activity together - she was so fabulous and accepting.   Dressing in the office is going to become a regular feature.

At just after lunch, I needed to hit the road - the reason for the journey was that I was on a nationwide tour of present delivering in preparation for Christmas.  We walked out of the office together and this time did not encounter anyone.  That won't always be the case, but I was good with that as a starting point.  

I got into my car and headed to the first stop, Milton Keynes.  As I set off I realised that I had committed a schoolgirl error and not filled up with petrol while I was in boy mode.  I only had 80 miles left on my range, so I needed to fill up fairly urgently.  Deep breath and I need to get used to this type of thing.  So I pulled into a mediumly (is that a word) busy services and filled the tank up.  Got a look, but I will for the time being, so I'm ok with that.  Always more obvious when you hand over your credit card in your boy name to pay I guess.

With petrol in the tank, I set off again.   I arrived at Milton Keynes earlier than expected and had half an hour before I met the lovely Sarah.  Again a decision point.  Do I sit quaking in my car or do I go in on my own, order and wait.  In for a penny and all that.  I got out of my car and headed inside.  Smiled and said hello to the staff in the shop and arrived at the Costa section.  Hot chocolate and a granola bar selected and paid for, I sat down.  When I arrived, I breathed a sigh of relief, it was fairly empty.  All of a sudden, it filled up.  I just held my ground and thought that I'm going to have to be around people at some point, so I just smiled and got on with it.

Sarah was lovely and brought a friend along who was a lovely lady - we had a fantastic conversation and a really enjoyable time.  But before long I needed to get back in the car to get onto Hampshire to deliver presents, so I packed up and headed trepidaciously to hold Rhiannon's first meeting with my mother.  Flipping scary.

I arrived at home and went in.  My mother was absolutely fantastic, as expected.  She clearly found the whole situation surreal, but she coped very well and was very kind to me.  She thought I looked nice too which is always a bonus.  I had worked hard on my make up and look that day as I wanted her to get a really good impression of me - and she did.

Make up off and into bed ready for Day Two.  I woke up early and did some more work - emails don't write themselves, but needed very quickly to get ready to meet an awesome old school friend for coffee in Winchester.  This is without doubt the biggest thing I have done so far in terms of public appearances.  A busy and crowded market town full of people getting ready for Christmas.  I met N outside Marks & Spencers and we took a walk for a coffee down to Starbucks.  Honestly, she was amazing.  She didn't even bat an eyelid when she saw me and she relaxed me all the time.  I felt so supported and comfortable.

I was trying to explain (badly) to her that I think it is really brave for non-trans folk to go out with us because they share the stares with us.  But she didn't even seem to notice.  Afterwards we went to a couple of shops and to the Christmas market and continued to chat.  We've hardly seen each other for years, but we rabbit together on Facebook and it was like no time had passed at all.

Once we'd finished I got back in my car and headed off back to home.  But I couldn't let it pass at the that.  On the way home I regularly shop in boy mode at Fosse Park shopping centre in Leicester and today I had a little bit of time before I needed to get back.  I pulled into a very busy car park and went around doing some window shopping and bought a couple of bits and pieces that I needed.  I was bothered about being noticed, but the difference was that it didn't stop me.  And this time I was a girl on her own.  Another first.

Shopping done.  Back home.  Quick change in the car and I'm ready.  Sad that it can't last forever, but happy to have had my first full on two day experience.  I really can't begin to tell you how great it was and how often I forgot that I wasn't actually a woman and just was going about my daily business.

Sorry, its been a long one, but I was so excited that I just needed to share it with you.   Well done for lasting until the end. :o)

The best of times and the worst of times

This was going to be a weekend written, jokey blog, but life has caused it to take quite a serious and actually very sad turn to something I don’t want to speak of lightly.

On the very positive front, I have started to get brave.  I have had four or five experiences of going out over the last 6 weeks alone.  Admittedly two of them were with other trans ladies as part of the Chams group in Nottingham.  A really fab group - would highly recommend it.  But I also took the step of joining civilian life as Rhiannon.  The first occasion was a trip to spend the afternoon in a coffee shop with my friend Sarah.  Have I mentioned before just how awesome she is? And then on another day trip out for food on my own.  I have also been shopping recently and trying things on and having an absolute ball in many and various shops with some lovely assistants.  They have been fab.  On the Rhiannon front, I am now always just looking for excuses to go out pretty.  The photo on this blog was how I looked on one of the times I went out.

It will sound odd, but getting the new bag and I also bought a new coat, made a huge difference.  It meant that I was going out top to toe in girl mode.  Somehow that fact alone has given me confidence I never knew I had.  The mixture of reactions I have received so far have ranged from the very positive to the not negative.  No-one has been horrible or thrown a wobbler at me.  That has encouraged me too.

I work for a small company that I help run and over the last few months I have come out to a number of people who work for us and some in our office.  This has led to me gain permissions to be able to go to work sometimes in Rhiannon mode which is a major step forward for me.  The fact that I asked for it alone is amazing!

From a trans perspective, I've never been happier.  I'm in such a great place in my head right now.

But as I said before, something really sad has happened to counter it.  I’m really too raw to actually talk about it at the moment.  Still in processing mode.  But Mrs A and I have decided to split.  For more reasons than just trans, this woman whom I love so much, won't be my wife any more.  Part of me, I have to be honest is relieved.  Suppressing Rhiannon most of the time has taken its toll.  The bigger part of me is down and sad.  I will come back to this another day, but given that this blog is a record of my whole life, you need to have the lows as well as the highs to get the full picture of me.

A sad blog to write, but I know that you’ll keep reading and encouraging me.  That things will get better.  I’ll emerge stronger and hopefully happier.  But the journey to that point is not one I’m relishing very much.

More pictures...

I am actually going to write a proper blog this weekend!  So little time but so much happening from a Rhiannon perspective - I really need to bring you up to speed.  In the meantime - photos!

Chewbacca in a frock?

Hey that’s kind of a cool search to do on Google.  You get some interesting images back.  Also, some very unfair ones.  They are just wrong.  But who knew that you could even buy a Chewbacca dress - they claim its an Ewok dress, but I personally am not convinced.  It is very tempting though.  Sorry, I get distracted very easily.  None of this is the point of this post.   The point of this short post is to seek advice and most of all sympathy.

I’m planning, traffic permitting, to join the Chameleons Christmas party on Thursday.  In my exuberance, I bought a new dress.  It is so cute - a black skater dress with a lace top.  There is only one problem.  Chewbacca.  If you get my drift.  Where I can reach, I am smooth and silky.  Where I can’t, its not like its a furry rug, but its noticeable that I have some guy hair there.  That is really not a look that is going to rock my lacy dress.  So I’ve decided finally that a back wax is the order of the day.

Trepidatiously, I have booked my time slot and tomorrow...  Ouch. Ouch. And did I mention Ouch...  I’m going to have it done.  The pain is worth it presumably for the beautiful look that will follow?

So let’s have it.  What do I need to know that is going to get me through this scary scary rite of passage?  Hint: contributions that allay my fear are the ones I really want to hear. :o)

Its all about proportions

Its been a funny few weeks.  A lot has happened which I don’t have time to cover here right now.  But, to sum it up: shopping, bags, dressing in public for the first time and going Rhiannon-style to the pub.  The place to start is shopping and bags.  But I promise that a blog on trips out will follow on very soon.

One of my multitalented friends, S, helps people to think about how to manage their personal impact on the world.  As part of that she runs a biannual presentation on what is trending in ladies' fashion.  I’ve talked about this in a previous blog.  One of my other friends, L, ‘drags’ me along to ‘support’ her.  OK, so we say that to hide my embarrassment at being the only ‘man’ amongst 50-70 women.  And yes, I’m not going to include any more ‘air quotes’.  They annoy me too.

So one of the points of the excellent presentation this time round dealt with proportions.  Specially selecting bags that match your size.  Its hard to tell from my photos as there are no reference points, but I’m large.  Not tall as such (5’11).  But certainly rotund.  The point was well illustrated when S, who is a larger lady too, obtained a little bag from a member of the audience.  Against S’ frame, the bag looked ridiculous.  Apparently, if you are a larger girl, the top tip is to accessorise by using larger items - e.g. big jewellery and big bags.  Who knew?  Probably everyone except me.  But the point is that I rarely need a reason for shopping, so when I have an actual reason, I’m even happier!  :o)

But the question is where to go to obtain a well proportioned bag without resorting to buying a bin liner?  I searched in all of the obvious places and realised that I needed to go down the tote route.  On the night of the presentation, there was a company selling bags, so I strayed to their website and guess what - I found what I was looking for.  And great value too.  I’m not on their payroll - honest.  So, I went to MiaTui and ordered one of their Amelie bags.  In aubergine since you didn’t ask.  This week, it arrived! And in the flesh it is even better.  I thought that I could only get cheered up by buying shoes, but I now know that the magic works with bags too.

I tried it on the shoulder and I think the proportions work really well.  There is a picture of the bag above.  In a couple of weeks I am having some more photos taken at the lovely Trans-Femme.  I’m intending to include the bag with one of my outfits, so you will be able to judge the proportions for yourself.

Big milestones - the ultimate in ‘coming out’

Do you set resolutions at the start of the year?  This year one of my pledges was that I would finally tell my mother that I was trans.  Like most of us, these promises, set up in the celebratory glow of New Year’s optimism, are normally, to quote Mary Poppins, piecrust.  Easily made and easily broken.  Except this one.  About two weeks ago, I kept the promise to myself and did it, I told her.

It started really when she was visiting for the weekend around my birthday.  I turned 38 this year.  Yes, I know I look much older.  Its been a hard life.  I guess for 10 months I’ve been looking for the right timing to get it over and done with and had not had the opportunity.  Back in the Summer there was a window of time when we were alone together and I nearly did it.  We were watching television and one of those terrible daytime programmes, had on a very effeminate man reviewing fashion items.  He was dressed in a very feminine style and my mother remarked, with amusement, at what a weird bloke he was.  Needless to say, that made me run for the hills rather than say anything.

But back to the plot.  A few weeks ago, she had been at our house for the weekend and by the Sunday, I thought this was going to be another missed opportunity.  Except then it happened.  As you may predict, dutch courage can be very helpful sometimes.  We both had been drinking wine steadily and were in a very frank mood.  Which meant that the conversation started.  Lightly, on a different topic at the beginning.  My mum really really likes Mrs A.  They get on incredibly well, friends almost.  I made a comment about struggling somewhat in my relationship.  My mum countered, dismissing my comment as a joke.  I set my face a bit more sadly and made it clear that it was true.

And then something very weird happened.

Seeing a recognition on her face, that she knew, deep down that it was true, I said, “you know why I am so unhappy, don’t you?”  The whole world stopped turning, every part of my body stopped moving as for a split second I waited.  I urged once more, “You’ve always known haven’t you?”  She looked me in the eyes and nodded.  I have never felt such relief in my whole life.  So the whole story tumbled out and I told her absolutely everything about who I am, how I feel and how I’ve felt my whole life.

In fairness to her, I don’t think she did know everything, but she’d guessed some.  But her response was extraordinary.  She is quite simply a champion woman.  She took a lot of time to reassure me that she absolutely still loved me.  In fact, she said that she loved me even more now that I’d told her because she had felt that for my whole life, I’d been holding something back from her.  The ‘worst part’, that I won’t dwell on, was that she said that I should have told her years ago.  In looking at my photos, she told me I looked beautiful.  She said that wherever this leads me in life, she will stand by me and that she would be proud to go out alongside me however I was dressed.  We hugged a lot.

At the time, a big part of me was in shock.  In fact, one or two friends got texts and one a phone call because I needed to know if I should pinch myself.  But the next day, I wasn’t quite sure how to respond.  I did what felt like a ‘walk of shame’ into the kitchen where she was reading.  I didn't really know what to say.  We’d had wine and there had been a heat of the moment nature to the conversation.   I wondered whether she really felt like that and if she was still the same today.   I tentatively brought the subject up again and she reiterated word for word what she had already said.  Phew.

I guess that’s one big hurdle jumped.

B minus and sinking - fast

A month ago, a friend commented on the fact that I had been neglectful of my blog with no recent posts.  They said that I should get only a B minus for effort.  Weeks later, my hope is that I’ve at the very least retained a C plus.  But I suspect that she would probably have downgraded me even further!  So here it is.  A post.

What’s been going on?  Lots, I guess, and nothing too.  I would reference you to previous blogs really where I have described a certain numbness with regards to my situation.  It is numbness really that I have been feeling - almost an indifference to my situation.

Following my last post, pretty much straight away, Mrs A brought up the conversation of Rhiannon.  As I’d suspected, she hadn’t bought the notion that I’d stopped my feminine ways.  This conversation nearly led to a break up, but a form of entente cordial broke out once she’d got it off her chest.  We went back into a holding pattern.  This doesn’t mean she is any happier with it, or more accepting.  In fact, to be honest, I’m not sure I really know what it means.  Or where we really are with it.  All I know for sure is that she wants me to stop, but is choosing not to bring the subject up.

But following that a combination of a slog of a month at work, not feeling particularly well and heightened guilty feelings meant that I have neither the time nor the inclination to girl it up.  My feelings have not changed, but I felt numb again.  Almost like I was watching myself from outside my body.  And I felt incredibly sad for a few weeks.

Over the last week or so, normality has resumed somewhat.  A couple of nights where Rhiannon was Rhiannon, including a 3 hour drive in girl mode have helped to reinstate normality.  The loss of a few pounds helped too.

I still feel a real discontent inside me - almost like an apathy that I can’t shake, a lack of energy and drive.  I’ve taken big action on the job front and to quote the Spice Girls, two is about to become one.  This will make things less complicated.  It is slightly risky and scary as I went for the less secure option.  Is that mad in the current climate?  But hard work and focus will, I’m sure, prevail.  But I suspect that professional upheaval is weighing on my mind somewhat as well.

All in all a turbulent time.  But I am still here.  Still enjoying reading other’s blogs.  Sorry for the absence - I should have taken you all on the above journey with me.

In keeping with C+, I will try to do better next time.