Thursday, 29 September 2011

You were only supposed to blow the bloody doors off

I haven’t blogged for a while.  Sorry.  I have got several drafts of blogs written, but to be honest I lost confidence in my ability to do it,  Don't get me wrong, I don't think my writing is deep and meaningful and that I was lacking a muse or some divine inspiration or anything of that nature.  But I felt like I sounded purile and couldn’t find my groove.  The reason for that, I’ll explain later.  

I know that you all warned me that putting Rhiannon back in the closet was an impossible thing to do.  Deep down I knew that you were right – but I needed to try.  So try I did.  I went for 4 months without so much as presenting any part of me as Rhiannon.  I resisted completely and whilst I was deeply unhappy and conflicted, the effect on my home life was extraordinary.  Things were really happy and relaxed and loving and unpressured.  It was exactly what I hoped for.

Maybe I have something in me that can’t cope with things being too good.  But I really don’t think so, it was the girl in me resurfacing.  Every day she crept up on me.  Small, definite reminders that she was there, that she hadn’t gone.  Every time I thought of her I was sad.  I didn't want her to go and maybe that subconscious need was what meant that it never worked.  Sometimes she was all I could think about.  It is almost as if writing this particular blog was an inevitability.  She would eventually win over in time.

The last two months have been particularly tough.  The real reason I didn’t blog perhaps?  I felt it building up into an all consuming crescendo.  And I crashed, burned and cracked.  Cracking was expensive on two levels. 

Firstly you’ll remember that all of my clothes are in storage.  My kind friend is housing them for me.  Without access to them and in such a desperate need to look at the girl again in the mirror, I hit the shops and one LBD, a white vest top, top, boot cut jeans, underwear, tights, belt, patent black shoes, powder blue pyjamas, nail varnish and body spray later, I had well and truly blown it.  It was bliss.  I then shaved as I used to do until everywhere was hairless and smooth and I smiled – the first really satisfied smile for a long time.  But my bank account was seriously raided!

Secondly, it means that in terms of my partner I am now in a very compromised situation.  If she finds out, I am in so much trouble.  Gender aside (I get that it’s a big aside!), as I said, it’s been happy.  A blip in concentration, coupled with contriteness would have been forgiven and we could have got back on the horse.  Unfortunately I’ve gone far further than only blowing the bloody doors off.  The van got totalled too.  Michael Caine would have been proud. 

So I am back at square two.  I am Rhiannon again, but I have some new knowledge: no matter what I try, she won’t be put into the corner.  I'm going to have to do something else to try to reconcile my life with my need to present as Rhiannon.  

Any advice right now would be greatly appreciated, it really would.

5 comments:

  1. It's easy for me to say this because I am fortunate enough to have a wife who turned out to be tolerant, but I think your biggest risk is that your partner doesn't know. If she finds out by accident it might be more calamitous than if she found out in a controlled manner.

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  2. walking here with a smile. take care.. have a nice day ~ =D

    Regards,
    http://www.lonelyreload.com (A Growing Teenager Diary) ..

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  3. I completely agree wit you Jenny. I guess my dichotomy is that she has known about me for 17 years and absolutely hates it - she really isn't tolerant about Rhiannon in any kind of way. She currently thinks that as of 4 months ago, I stopped presenting as a girl and gave it all up. Telling her would automatically end our relationship. I'm not sure how to break the news to her of what I did when I cracked or even, if I'm honest, of whether I even want to break the news given the likely ramifications. :-(

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  4. I think I'm older than you and reading your one answer to Jenny tells me, in many ways, we share similar things.

    My hope is to save you some trouble.

    I know my being cross-sexed has been quite confusing and difficult for me over the years. I even tried to go "straight" for the sake of my biological family and society.

    Unfortunately, I failed miserably.

    At that time I also learned my wife was very un-tolerable but by then we had created children. We ultimately got divorced and it cost me plenty more than mere cash!

    It would seem to me biology has a very warped sense of humor.

    I wouldn't be too concerend about your partner. You will quickly discover you're in way more trouble remaining the boy you are on the out-side, rather than allowing the girl you know you are inside to express!

    I wish you only peace and the best on your path of self-discovery!

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  5. It's an awful position to be in and I can only hope that things do get better. Locking it all away - physically and mentally - seems to lead to the outcome you've just mentioned.

    All I can say is, keep talking and try to compromise... and that goes to both parties, not just you. ;-) [[]]

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